Hello, friends. It’s me again. Eli. Been a while. I’ve been avoiding typing this out because at first I really didn’t want to talk about what happened, but I have now convinced myself that telling all of you might be therapeutic.
Sort of convinced myself, anyway. I won’t lie; I did stop and question my choices about four times when writing just those first two paragraphs. I think I’ve made it over the hump now, though. Too late to go back – I’m just gonna fucking write it, and then I can share it if I feel like it. Right? Right.
Well, let me lay it out on the table then: between my last post and this one, I almost died. Like, more than usual. I mean, I was bleeding and fading in and out of consciousness for several days. Maybe a week. I don’t really remember, to be honest. It’s all kind of a haze. I definitely hallucinated; I remember visions of my family dancing with some Brents and a pineapple king. Nine out of ten medical experts didn’t think I’d make it. (That’s a joke. All ten of ten medical experts have been dead for months).
Also, but just as I was coming out of it, then it was Christmas, and that was an interesting experience too. You know how there are monsters of lore that come out during the holidays, like Krampus or the Yule Cat? Yeah, we don’t have those – because God forbid we have a monster I’ve heard of before, that I could actually look up information about – but it turns out there is a monster around here that likes Christmas. Made its first appearance last week right as I was conscious again and made my headaches start all over. But more on that later. Today I’m talking about how close I seriously came to dying in the past few weeks.
And why did I almost die when I have such a carefully curated list of rules? Because I’m a fucking idiot and decided to forget all about Rule #5. And why did I forget about Rule #5? Because I was too focused on finding that girl.
I suppose I may as well go ahead and tell you what Rule #5 is, because it’s not very exciting. Not all my rules are. Some don’t deal with specific monsters; instead, they’re general guidelines for surviving in this hellscape, and though boring, they’re helpful advice against several varieties of monster, not just one. They’re the glue holding my more species-specific rules together, if you will.
Rule #5: If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
I made that rule pretty early on, to prevent myself from having false hope. Between Ashleys and MJs and other deception-based monsters (though they didn’t all have names at the time), I figured a base rule for not trusting everything good I come across was in order. I believe I made it an official rule after another close call with an Ashley, followed by an encounter with the creature behind Rule #3. I’ll get to Rule #3 another time, by the way, so hold your horses. Today’s star is Rule #5, whether you like it or not.
Unfortunately, like the idiot I am, I forgot all about Rule #5 in my pursuit of the girl. Did she seem too good to be true? (Yes). Yet did I pour all my energy and heart into finding her? (Also yes). So am I a dumbass who can’t follow my own rules and almost died as a result? (Jury’s verdict: yes).
Let me explain.
See, she left me that riddle. After several suggestions and a lot of struggling thought of my own, I came to the conclusion that the most likely answer was echo. That wasn’t super helpful though, because it left the question of where echo was supposed to lead me.
So I then spent days walking around the part of the city she’d left her clues in, desperately scouring for anything that might relate to echo. I also combed the internet looking for answers; that took another day by itself, since my connection is so goddamn slow.
Ultimately, my best bet turned out to be a concert hall about three-quarters of a mile away from where I’d seen her. Old Google reviews mentioned its acoustics and the lovely echoing quality of the music performed there. It was a stretch, but it was the closest link I could find.
I went there about a week after my last post. That’s about two weeks ago, for those following along at home. And yes, I was prepared – or at least I thought I was. I ran through my rules in my head, making sure I had everything I needed both mentally and materially (though conveniently hurrying past Rule #5, apparently).
Once I had my lasers, voice recorder, knife, pistol, lighter, two Molotov cocktails, and of course, Mr. Bailey, we headed out. Everything was pretty quiet on the way to the concert hall, actually, and I made it there without incident. Maybe that should have seemed suspicious, but it’s not like it’s unheard of to get lucky and avoid monsters every once in a while, so I was really just grateful that I seemed to be having a stroke of luck, and hoped that it would hold.
Spoiler alert: it didn’t. Things only went downhill from there.
I stood outside the concert hall for a minute, Mr. B chirping on my shoulder. After a few deep breaths and a glance down at her note one more time – shockingly, there was nothing new written there – I stuffed the paper in my pocket and walked forward.
Steps led me up to the entrance, which consisted of a long row of glass doors. Instinctively, I pulled out my knife and gripped it tightly as I crept closer. It was still daylight, so you’d think I’d be able to see in through the glass, but the interior was completely dark, so all I really saw was glare from the sun. I didn’t like having such little visibility for what I was about to walk into. I may not have a formal rule for it, but a good general tip is not to enter somewhere blind. And here I was, about to do exactly that.
I hesitated, and man, I wish I’d turned back then. This was a high risk, high reward operation, after all: I could be rewarded with meeting the girl and befriending her, but I was risking entering a place that might be a hotbed of monsters, or being led into a trap, or guessing wrong on her riddle and exposing myself to monsters in an unfamiliar part of town for no real reason. If I’d been thinking of Rule #5, it would have occurred to my idiot self that the reward part was probably too good to be true. But as has been established, 1) I am a dumbass, and 2) I was too hopeful, and with my high hopes, I got careless.
So I went in, obviously. Mr. B dug his claws in as I pushed open one of the glass doors, stepping into a shadowy entrance hall where the only dim light came from slanted sunbeams behind me.
The foyer was empty, thank God. My footsteps echoed around the hall, which I guess was a good sign, since I was looking for echo, after all. Mr. B chirped again as I continued forward past an abandoned concession stand to the next set of doors, these ones wooden. Remarkably, most of them were still standing and unharmed; I only saw two that had been shredded to splinters and were hanging off their hinges. Maybe that meant monsters hadn’t been here much. A guy can hope.
Still holding my knife in front of me in my left hand, I reached out and pushed one of the intact doors open with my right. It swung easily, revealing a cavern of darkness. I cursed and pulled out my flashlight. I’d been hoping I could avoid drawing attention to myself with a light, but the hall was basically a black hole – and complete darkness was way more dangerous than showing my position but being able to see. If there were monsters here, they’d probably hear me regardless, to be honest.
I switched on the light and saw a carpeted aisle gently sloping down ahead of me. Rows of seats lined it on either side; the seats may have once been plushy and well-kept, but now they were coated in dust. Cautiously, I started down the aisle, feeling Mr. Bailey’s tail flick nervously against my neck. I didn’t blame him. I was nervous too.
Once I was close to the front, I could see more of the stage. It was impressive, if you’re into that sort of thing. Before all this, I would have said I’d be the last person to be caught dead in a concert hall, but here we were, and I wasn’t dead (yet). And honestly, I could kind of see the appeal. The stage was dusty like the seats, but still managed to portray a sense of majesty. The curtains hanging off to the sides were a deep purple with gold trim. It must have been nice, back before all hell broke loose.
I hadn’t seen anything helpful yet, so I figured I’d get up on stage. At the very least, I’d be able to shine my flashlight into the different sections of seats and maybe up into the balcony. See anything there was to see, you know. The carpeted aisle had muffled my footsteps, but as soon as I pulled myself up onto the stage (who has time to look for stairs?) that was all over. Every step was magnified tenfold, echoing around the entire hall. I’m sure you could hear my steps, even in the dust, up in the farthest seat in the balcony. Well, if this place was the correct answer for echo, it was certainly well-deserved.
This is where it all goes to hell. Strap in, motherfuckers.
I made my way front and center on the stage, and just as I began to shine my flashlight into the audience, I was blinded; a gigantic spotlight turned on, aimed directly at me. It was so sudden and so bright that I cursed and dropped the flashlight, using that hand to cover my eyes instead. Blindly, I stumbled back to escape its glare; it followed. My heart was racing a mile a minute, both because of the shock and because I’d realized that if the spotlight was following me, someone was controlling it.
Thankfully, it only took a minute for my eyes to adjust, but if you’ve ever been in a spotlight, you probably already know what I discovered then: with the light on you, and with the audience dark, it’s fucking impossible to make out anything in detail beyond the stage. This was alarming, since I now could see even less than I’d been able to with the meager flashlight, especially with my eyes adjusted to the damn spotlight and not to the darkness.
I considered calling out, but I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that calling “Hello?” is, at best, useless, and at worst, fatal. So I stood there, silent except for Mr. B’s swishing tail, waiting for something to happen.
I didn’t have to wait long. Suddenly another spotlight turned on, only this one was aimed up to the balcony. And in the circle of light was none other than the girl I’d been pursuing. My heart skipped a beat for a different reason, and for the first time, I started to feel a little more confident that this was the right decision, and that it was safe.
Big mistake.
“You figured out my riddle,” she called from the balcony. She was too far for me to make out many details, but by squinting I could see that she had brown hair pulled back in a ponytail, and that she was wearing glasses.
“I appreciate the challenge, but was it really necessary? I’ve got other things to think about besides difficult riddles. Like, you know, surviving,” I yelled back.
“You thought it was difficult?” came her response. I could practically hear the smugness in her voice.
Well, I wasn’t giving in that easily. “No, I just wanted to make you feel good about yourself,” I called. Mr. B growled on my shoulder, and out of the corner of my eye, I could swear I saw something move. But I, stupidly, ignored both these things.
“Oh, right, obviously,” she answered. There was a pause, and then she added, “I’m so glad you made it here!”
Before I could reply, all of the house lights simultaneously turned on. And, well, it wasn’t pretty. I shit you not, the audience was full of monsters. All those dusty seats that had been empty on my walk up here weren’t empty anymore. Not even close. Where the hell had they all come from? Had they been hidden somehow before? Had she hidden them somehow?
Thankfully, even as my heart panicked, my body and brain more or less knew what to do. A quick scan revealed no Ashleys (there was no food here, so not surprising) and no MJs (also not surprising, since they’re really one-on-one type fellas). Didn’t really see Dylans either, which made sense – they don’t generally come inside, and it wasn’t night outside, so they were probably hibernating in their caves or something. To be safe, though, I reached in my pocket and turned on my voice recorder, allowing “blueberry” to echo repeatedly through the hall. It looked mostly like Calebs and Brents; at least they’re dumb, but I’d still need a hell of a lot of brute force to make it out of this. I’d never faced this many of either at once before, and they were all staring. Right. At. Me.
Keeping my knife pointed towards the crowd, I yelled over my recording up to the girl. “This was a trap!” I called, and even I could hear the anger clear in my voice. “What are you? Are you even human? Whatever you are, you’re a bitch.”
I glanced only briefly up at her, maintaining my gaze on the monster horde so I wouldn’t miss a move they made. So far, they hadn’t moved, which made me fear that they were waiting on a signal from – her, maybe? She must have set me up. A long con to betray and kill me, if you will. Was she a new kind of monster I hadn’t met before? Was she their leader?
“I am human, I swear!” she called back, sounding almost like was about to cry. “I swear I didn’t –”
And that’s all she got out before all of the lights went out. Yes, all of them: both the spotlights and the house lights. We were plunged into complete darkness, except for the single weak beam from my flashlight, which illuminated flashes of fur and skin and claws as the monsters simultaneously raced towards me.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK,” I screeched, tripping over my own feet as I hurried backwards. Fumbling in the dark, I reached into my pockets and managed to find my lighter and one of the cocktails. Unfortunately, I only have two hands, so I had to hold the knife between my legs as I rapidly tried to ignite the cocktail without seeing it. The lighter flicked on, and by the glow of the flame, I could see both the rag (good) and the monsters, who were almost at the stage (bad). Frantically, I managed to set the rag on fire, and as soon as it caught, I flung it into the horde. Then I ran.
From behind me, I heard the explosion and the screeches of monsters – mostly Brents, probably – as it killed at least a few of them. Not that was as helpful as I wanted it to be.
I was holding the knife again now, the lighter in my other hand, but I didn’t have enough of a lead to stop and ignite the other Molotov cocktail, or to try my hand at lasers. For now, I just had to run. The lighter provided just enough visibility to not trip and kill myself as I raced backstage, shrieks and growls getting closer and closer behind me. Mr. B was on my shoulder, facing backwards and hissing, and while I appreciated his efforts, I’m pretty sure they were doing very little to deter our pursuers.
I guess there’s some mercy left in the world, because I came across a ladder. I was running out of backstage space as monsters swarmed closer from all sides (I couldn’t see them, but I could hear them), so without a second thought I climbed it as fast as I could. Thankfully, it led to – I believe it’s called a catwalk, I looked up it afterwards. You know, like a suspended platform above the stage where all the lights hang from. I ended up standing on that.
Apparently, Calebs and Brents weren’t used to ladders, because I had a blessed few seconds up there alone. I used them to ignite the second cocktail and throw it into the monster horde; seconds later, I could see the explosion as it tore apart several Brents. Nice. At least if I went down – and it sure seemed likely I would – I’d go down swinging.
I would have tried lasers, but I couldn’t see the Calebs’ eyeholes, and besides, there were way too many of them. And, as they figured out the ladder and eagerly began to climb up it, there was nowhere else to go. It was too high to jump safely, and even if I tried, I could hear the Calebs and Brents down below, waiting for me if I chose that option.
No way out. I cursed myself for being such an idiot and ignoring Rule #5 – because suddenly Rule #5 was very clear in my head – and said to Mr. B, “I love you, bud. Let’s go out fighting, huh?” He meowed in response.
So I fought. Armed with my knife, a pistol, and a cat, I fought. I held off the first few with only a few scratches and swipes, but then I ran out of bullets, and more of them had made it to the catwalk. I got bitten several times; claws were raked down my back, across my face, across my chest. I honestly don’t remember the details, but I know it was rough, based on the injuries afterwards.
I could hear shrieks and explosions below at that point, as if someone was fighting the monsters down on the stage too, but I didn’t have time to look. And soon it was too late; the monsters had overwhelmed me, I was spitting blood and barely conscious, and I’d run out of catwalk. As I swung the knife one last feeble time, a Caleb lunged at me, and I slipped backwards in a pool of my own blood, falling, falling, falling down to the stage, where I remember my head hitting the wood with a heavy thud (and yes it echoed) before I was completely unconscious.
(Man, fuck that Caleb. I mean, fuck all Calebs, but fuck that one in particular. That one that made me fall off the catwalk might actually be worse than original Caleb....on second thought, nah. He’s still the worst. Fuck Caleb the most.)
I really don’t know exactly what happened for the week after that. I remember flashes of someone carrying me down the street, but not a person; someone big, because I was far off the ground. Like Hagrid carrying Harry.
Then I was home, in and out of consciousness for days, in a haze and in a lot of pain. Most of my body was wrapped in bandages by someone. I think I was fed, too, because I remember soup. It’s all a weird blur of reality and dreams and agony. I’m still getting headaches and dizzy spells; I assume it was a concussion. Pretty serious blood loss, too, and a broken arm. Honestly, I’m probably lucky it wasn’t worse, all things considered.
But here’s the kicker: I wouldn’t be alive if the mystery person hadn’t gotten me out of there and into my home, if they hadn’t watched over me and cared for me and bandaged my wounds and even put my arm in a shitty makeshift sling. I would definitely have died on that stage, either from bleeding out or from becoming monster food. And I’m pretty sure the mystery person is, in fact, the girl I thought lured me into a fatal trap.
Why? Because when I finally woke up for good, I found a note left on the table. Once my head stopped swimming, I read it.
I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen; it wasn’t a trap. I realize it looks like that, and I don’t know how to show you otherwise. But I did what I could, and you should be okay now, though I can’t do anything about the scars. Best of luck to you and the cat.
P.S. If you ever decide to give me another chance, no riddles this time. You can find me in the bookstore on Sycamore Street.
P.P.S. My name is Zoe.
So, before you ask, no, I don’t know what to believe. It sure seems like she led me to a trap to kill me, but then why did she make sure I didn’t die? Is this all a multi-level trick? Or did she get ambushed by the monsters as much as I did? I just don’t know, and all the thinking in circles I’ve done about it has only made my head hurt worse.
I have no idea yet if I’m gonna go to that bookstore. It took me this long to even want to write about my first failed venture. And then things went to shit all over again at Christmas. At least I know her name, I guess. Though was it worth it? Who the fuck knows.
Anyway, I’m alive. And I sure as shit won’t be ignoring Rule #5 anymore. It seemed too good to be true, and whether it was intentional on her part or not, it was. Too good to be true, that is. So I think I’m retired from chasing her, at least for now. At least until my fucking arm can move again and words don’t swim on the page after writing for an hour. I do have long scars on my back and across my face that likely won’t ever go away.
But hey, I’m alive. And so is Mr. B. (I know he’s who you’re really worried about). I don’t think he fell with me; he probably snuck out between the monsters’ legs or something. But he was here purring on my lap when I woke up, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So cheers to me surviving despite my idiocy, and cheers to Mr. Bailey. I changed my mind about concert halls, though. You know how I said I could see the appeal? Yeah, fuck that. I’m never going back in one of those godforsaken places again .

Is this too good to be true?

Canaan, the Devil's experiment

GME and a rigged horse race

The History of the Entire World, I Guess

hi.
you're on a rock floating in space.
pretty cool, huh?
some of it's water.
fuck it, actually most of it's water.
i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat.
it's sad.
i'm sad.
i miss you.
how did this happen?
a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere.
when?
never.
makes sense, right?
like i said, it didn't happen.
nothing was never anywhere.
that's why it's been everywhere.
it's been so everywhere you don't need a where.
you don't even need a when.
that's how every it gets.
forget this.
i wanna be something.
go somewhere.
do something.
i want things to change.
i want to invent time and space.
and i know it's possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.
i just don't know when to start.
and that's exactly where it started.
whoah, i paused it.
i think there's a universe now.
what's it made of?
quarks & stuff
ah, that's a thing.
in a place.
don't like it?
try a new place.
at a different time™.
try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger.
and emptier.
but it's not empty yet.
it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
great news!
the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron
and there's something else flying around too that wants to join in but can't cause it's still too
HOT
great news!
the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other.
and some of them even doubled up.
great news, the electrons have now joined in
congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space.
but it's getting closer together.
and it's getting closer together.
and it's getting closer toge-
it's a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die.
bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit.
space dust
which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into
even crazier space dust
so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things.
like this ball of flaming rocks for example.
holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.
and it kind of made a mess.
which is
now the moon
weather update:
it's raining rocks from outer space.
weather update:
those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there's hot steam in the sky.
weather update:
cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update:
it's raining.
severe flooding alert:
the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert:
that's land!
there's life in the ocean
what?
something's alive in the ocean
oh cool, like a plant or an animal?
no, a microscopic speck.
it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
oh yeah, and it can do that.
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself.
so that's pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food
taste the sun
side effect: now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky's blue.
then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.
it's a sponge.
it's a plant.
it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it's the Cambrian explosion
"wow, that's animals and stuff"
but we're still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land?
no
why?
the sun is a deadly lazer
oh okay.
not anymore, there's a blanket
now the animals can go on land.
come on, animals, let's go on land!
nope, can't walk yet.
and there's no food yet, so i don't care.
ok, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here?
maybe, said some bugs, and fish.
ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to
have babies
learn to use an egg.
i was already doing that.
use a stronger egg.
put water in it.
have a baby, on land, in an egg.
water is in the egg.
baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me.
bye bye ocean
and now everything's huge.
including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land?
sure.
oh fuck, now everything's dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors.
keep your eye on this one because it's about to become the dinosaurs.
here's another map of the land.
yeah, it broke apart, don't worry about it, it does that all the time.
here comes a meteor.
and the dinosaurs are gone
it's mammal time, here come the mammals.
look at those breasts.
now they're gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff.
and walk.
no, like, walk like that.
and grab stuff at the same time.
and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
"ouch"
and set things on fire.
"yeouch"
and make crazy sounds with their voice.
"gneurshk"
which can mean different things.
that's a human person
and now they're everywhere.
almost.
ice age
what, you can walk over here?
cool.
not anymore
well i guess we're stuck here now.
let's review.
there's people on the planet.
and they're chasing their food.
fuck it, time to plant some grass.
look at this.
i control the food now.
now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.
let's all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything?
use metal.
it's underground.
better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers.
and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next
more food.
and more people who came to buy the food.
now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales.
and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there's more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power.
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal?
introducing
Bronze
made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land.
i don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it.
also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.
now we're getting somewhere.
also
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it's in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop.
it's the people with the horses.
and they made an empire.
and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks
ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks.
let's check in with the indus river valley civilization.
they're gone.
guess who's not gone?
china
new arrivals in india, maybe it's those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff
you could make a religion out of this.
there's the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find?
thanks.
look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just 1 though, he's got like a ten step program.
here's some huge heads.
must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies.
the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies.
the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire.
never mind, it's the babylonian- median-
it's the Persian Empire
"wow, that's big"
ah, the buddha was just enlightened.
who's the buddha?
this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying.
you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire.
it's a great idea.
he was great.
and now he's dead.
hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it's chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here.
will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants?
ok thanks, bye
time to conquer all of india
or
most of india
but what about this part?
that's the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings.
who are the tamil kings?
merchants, probably
and they've got spices
who would like to buy the spices?
me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy.
actually, they have three main philosophies.
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms.
greekification overload!
bye, said the parthians.
bye, said the jews.
hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast.
thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
hi, everything's great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular.
you could make a religion out of this.
want silk?
now you can buy it from china.
they just made a
brand new road to the world
or you can
get there on water
sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road.
i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire?
yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet?
let's do it together.
china is whole again
then it broke again
still can't cross the sahara desert?
try camels.
hell yeah! now we've got business
said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves
hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?
no.
actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his
main rival
don't worry about rome, it won't fall.
it's the golden age of india
there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta.
first name chandra.
the first.
guess who's in rome?
barbarians
what's a barbarian?
non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans.
r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore so let's give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh and here's a huge city, population: everyone
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe.
great job, göktürks.
how's india?
broken.
how's china?
back together
how's those trading kingdoms?
bigger, and there's more of them
korea has 3 kingdoms.
japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom.
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed's ear.
so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake.
and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.
you could make a religion out of this.
and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope.
plus there's
new kingdoms all over europe
i wonder if there's room for moors.
here's all the wisdom.
in a house.
it's the baghdad house of wisdom.
just in time for the
islamic golden age
let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there?
someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas.
surprise! you're the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire.
then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france.
but the northerners, or just norse if you don't have much time, are exploring.
they go north, from the north to the northern north.
and they find some land.
two types of land.
and they name them accordingly.
they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings.
there's the rus.
the kievan rus.
are they vikings?
i don't think so, said the kievan rus.
ok, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors.
of the "roman empire".
the holy roman empire.
it's actually germany but don't worry about it.
new kingdoms.
christianize all the kingdoms
which brand would you like?
mine's better.
mine's better.
mine's better.
time to conquer england, said william.
it's a bird, it's a plane
it's the seljuk turks
aah! said the byzantine empire who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore.
we need help!
they need help, so they call the pope.
hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks?
maybe take back the holy land on the way?
come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.
yes, i do actually want to do that.
let's do a crusade.
crusade
they did many crusades, some of which almost didn't fail.
but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans.
hello toltecs
goodbye toltecs.
hello mississippi
look at those mounds.
there's the pueblo.
i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who's here?
khmer.
where?
here.
and pagan is there.
vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing.
and the mongols just invaded most of the universe.
nice going, Genghis!
i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time?
i think it's tonga time.
i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold.
look at this chad.
means "lake".
there's an empire there.
right in the middle of
Africa
the king of mali is so rich he's going on tour to let everyone know.
wow, that guy's rich, everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain.
please remain christian.
we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming
china's back, yay!
hey khmer, time to share.
new kingdoms here and there.
oh, look who controls all the islands.
it's the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
majapahit?
oh, italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics.
it's kinda like a rebirth.
here's a printer.
let's make books.
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire?
yep, said the ottoman turks.
nice job, ottoman turks.
whoops, you missed a spot.
don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
what? that's bullshit, said portugal, spiceless.
well i guess we'll have to find another way to india
wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack.
if the world is round, let's go this way to india.
nah, don't worry, we already got this, said portugal.
so chris goes to spain.
hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?
no.
please?
no.
please?
no.
please?
ok.
so he sails into the ocean.
and discovers more ocean.
and then discovers the indies.
and japan.
let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start.
i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent?
the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other.
move over lithuania, here comes moscow.
ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something.
persia just made persia persian again.
let's make it the other kind of islam.
the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.
hey christians!
do you sin?
now you can buy your way out of hell.
that's bullshit.
this whole thing is bullshit.
that's a scam.
fuck the church.
here's 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat?
what if the ottoman empire was really big?
which it is now.
what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade.
and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway.
damn, said england and france.
we gotta start pillaging some stuff.
then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam.
damn, said amsterdam.
we gotta start pillaging some stuff.
question 1: can you get to india through north america?
no, but at least there's beaver.
question 2: steal the spice trade.
that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
sugar
guess where all the sugar's made?
in brazil.
stolen
and the caribbean.
and it's so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world.
more specifically, ohio.
then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss.
but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss?
yes they did.
it's britain.
guess who's broke?
also britain.
so they start taxing the hell out of america.
fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it.
and france helps them win, now france is broke.
and britain'll have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a reli- no, don't.
haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution.
especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters.
why didn't we think of this before?
wait, who's in charge of france now?
me
said napoleon, trying to take over europe.
luckily, they banished him to an island.
but he came back
luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power.
so now they can make
many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast
then they invent some trains.
and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
hey, china! said britain.
buy stuff from us!
nah dude, we already got everything, says china.
so britain tried to get them addicted to opium.
which worked, actually.
but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.
so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan.
also, the
sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now
"that's just where he lives"
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.
nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before.
technology is about to go crazy
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.
it's bad, they decided.
and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
i know, let's rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.
they never got ethiopia
britain and france are still hungry.
they never got thailand
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more.
hawaii
cuba
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war!
what should we blame on spain?
let's blame the maine on spain.
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we're in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east.
it makes cars go
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn't had a war since the last war.
so they start world war 1.
look at those guns.
it's gonna be a great war.
so great we won't need a second one.
after it's over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government.
now everyone's paycheck is the same.
communism
in the soviet union
the arabs revolt and britain helps.
now the ottoman empire's gone so we can give the
jewish people a place to live
hopefully the arabs won't mind.
let's cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire.
except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey
and then the saudis conquer arabia.
it just seemed like the right thing to do.
hello?
yes, it's the 1920's calling.
let's get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies.
the economy's great and it'll probably be great forever, just kidding.
germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model.
and he's mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited they rape nanking way too hard.
they should probably just deny it.
hitler's out of control.
so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea.
but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.
that's world war 2
bonus round!
pacific showdown.
united states vs. japan.
fight!
finish him
let's unite all the nations and have some
world peace
seems legit.
hi, i'm gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm gonna starve myself in public.
wow, that worked?
bonus, now there's pakistan.
actually two pakistans.
one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land.
me, they both said at the same time.
let's divide up the land so everyone's happy.
sike, they both get angrier
look out china, there's a new china in china.
what's on the menu?
communism!
no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island.
i wonder which one is the real china?
there's the korean war, korea versus korea.
nobody wins, then it's on pause forever.
let's meet the sponsors.
oh, it's the two global superpowers.
they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan.
and they both have atom bombs.
fight!
wait, no, that would be the end of the world.
let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.
and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
i'll race you to space.
now let's make some more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged.
so here's a new map, with new countries.
now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad.
they decided it's bad, and the world agrees.
south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let's check the world population.
whoa.
okay.
technology's better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don't feel like it.
let's check the mail.
surprise, it's on the computer.
whoops, someone just attacked america.
i bet they'll remember that.
phone call.
surprise, it's in your pocket.
wanna learn everything?
surprise, it's on the computer.
now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket.
whoops, the economy just crashed.
don't worry, the big banks won't fail because they're not supposed to.
surprise!
flying robots.
with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends.
some people have no food.
the globe is warming
and the ocean is full of plastic
let's save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how.
let's invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor.
that's pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?

D100 What the HECK is Graham the Hobo doing?

Graham the Hobo is a being of pure chaos. Graham has no set physical form. He could be anyone from anywhere. But no matter who Graham is, they are instantly recognized as Graham the Hobo.
For added spice: All NPCs notice Graham's odd behavior. But none of the NPCs notice anything un/super natural.
Many of these examples were taken from a previous list.

Graham the Hobo is trying to earn a few copper as a living statue.
Graham the Hobo is performing an acrobatic pole dance.
Graham the Hobo is selling pocket watches that have human eyes in them. The eyes are very judgemental.
Graham the Hobo stands off to the side of the town square holding an old parchment aloft with the words, "Need Money for Ale. Why lie?" ( u/atomicDaikaiju )
Graham the Hobo seems to have decided that now would be an excellent time for a bath in a nearby fountain. ( u/SquareBottle )
Graham the Hobo has set up a three card monte table outside a pub with a deck of cards that looks like he found in a ditch. "Try your luck" he shouts. ( u/hcaneandrew )
Graham the Hobo feeds a malnourished stray dog a small piece of bread from the loaf he is eating ( u/cabnoid )
Graham the Hobo sees a woman unknowingly drop a piece of fine jewelry, then returns it to her ( u/cabnoid )
Graham the Hobo deftly stops a child from wandering into the path of a moving wagon ( u/StomicDaikaiju )
Graham is busking on a street corner, playing a battered lute with only two intact strings. He only knows one tune, but he plays it surprisingly well. ( u/Evieste-Suinedel )
Graham is having an extremely intellectual debate about the nature of divinity with a travelling scholar. ( u/Evieste-Suinedel )
Graham is nowhere to be found, but a sign has been left, "Gone on holiday, need money to fund holiday", along with a tattered hat with two copper pieces in it. ( u/Evieste-Suinedel )
Graham sits amongst a flock of pigeons, carefully rationing birdseed so each gets an equal amount. ( u/Evieste-Suinedel )
Graham has invented a brand new street performance - the 'talking mime'. ( u/Evieste-Suinedel )
Graham offers to trade 12 copper for 1 silver. He says he's never had a silver piece, and wants to know what it feels like. ( u/Evieste-Suinedel )
Graham attempts to bribe a guard with a single copper. ( u/Evieste-Suinedel )
Graham is surrounded by a group of children, who are eagerly listening to a dramatic performance of his latest original story. ( u/Evieste-Suinedel )
Graham the Hobo is attempting to become invisible by becoming a dust mite (or similar incredibly tiny creature) but is unfortunately immediately recognizable. ( u/dragonncat )
Graham the Hobo is sitting on the roof. Whenever you look away, he appears as a different form when you look back.( u/dragonncat )
Graham the Hobo is switching people’s hats. ( u/dragonncat )
Graham the Hobo sits on the side of the road and offers random passerby his hand in marriage. ( u/dragonncat )
Graham stole that merchant’s cart & horse, but then just left it tied up at the edge of a dock, like a boat. ( u/Broken_Banjo_Photo )
Graham shot a man in (town name here) just to watch him die. ( u/Broken_Banjo_Photo )
Looks like Graham learned how to cast “Message” and is sending messages to the local police every hour, giving them assorted recipes for scones. ( u/Broken_Banjo_Photo )
Graham the hobo found a really stinky, filthy old book in a midden and is trying to sell it for "seven beers". The book smells ghastly but has a copyable 2nd level wizard spell among the bad poetry it contains. ( u/felagund )
Graham the Hobo is rejecting societal comforts in favor of living in his giant pot ( u/arthurjeremypearson )
Graham the Hobo is busting into the lecture hall with a plucked chicken, holding it up and shouting, "BEHOLD: A MAN!" ( u/arthurjeremypearson )
Graham the Hobo is trying to scale a mountain with just a hammer. ( u/arthurjeremypearson )
Graham the Hobo is hissing at random strangers. When asked about this, he says that he is able to speak Serpent. Ironically serpents can understand him, if he'd only talk to them and not passerbys. ( u/seanerzat )
Graham the Hobo is quietly sipping some tea. If investigated, the "tea" is brewed from human liver. ( u/seanerzat )
Graham is completely pantless, but wearing a shirt, and declaring that being half-naked is better than full. ( u/seanerzat )
Graham is standing at one point in the road in orange robes. He insists his name is Ma'iq the Liar. ( u/seanerzat )
Graham the Hobo is giving roses to people on the street. The petals turn into butterflies the moment you take your eyes off of it and look back, and the remaining stem turns into a wand with a single charge of a 2nd level spell (DM’s choice) ( u/Commando388 )
Graham is four feet into digging a hole with a shovel. He says he's looking for his cat. ( u/seanerzat )
Graham is laying peacefully with cucumber slices over his eyes. ( u/seanerzat )
Graham is wordlessly following a stranger until they sneeze. Once they sneeze, he says "bless you," and starts following the next nearest person until they follow suit. ( u/seanerzat )
Graham is selling lemonade. ( u/seanerzat )
Graham is completely invisible, and has no clue as to why. ( u/seanerzat )
Graham insists he is invisible, despite the contrary. ( u/seanerzat )
Graham is a singular dislocated eyeball, rolling through the street, on a mission. ( u/seanerzat )
Graham has just pickpocketed someone. Turns out it was himself. ( u/seanerzat )
Graham is silently contemplating a key he is holding in his hand. The key is simply labeled "HEART." ( u/seanerzat )
Graham is trying to remove a strange green dagger from his thigh, and needs medical attention. ( u/seanerzat )
Graham is a puddle of water, audibly screaming in horror if people step in him. ( u/seanerzat )
Graham the Hobo is arguing with Graham the Hobo as to who is the true Graham the Hobo. The participants frequently switch between whom they believe is the true Graham the Hobo with no rhyme or reason. (Think Vizini v. Wesley, but with 40% more existential crisis) ( u/jakethegooze )
Graham the Hobo has set up a fine shop on a disused barrel. His wares are made of the finest linens and silks. Graham is selling sleeves with no shirt attached to them. His prices are... esoteric.
Graham the Hobo is fishing for tuna in the town well. He is doing surprisingly well.
Graham the Hobo holding an animated argument over a card table he is sitting at alone. After a while, he throws down his cards and storms off. A few moments after that, and invisible hand picks up the winnings and walks away
Graham the Hobo is offering free shoe repairs.
Graham the Hobo is propositioning anyone who refuses to make eye contact. Changing race and gender for each offer they make.
Graham is holding a hissing rat and slowly stroking it, murmuring "It's okay fluffy... I understand..." ( u/vboy315 )
Graham is selling kabobs on the side of a deserted street. They appear to be some unidentifiable rodent on a stick. ( u/vboy315 )
Graham is tending to a wilting flower that is haphazardly potted in an old boot ( u/vboy315 )
Graham is intoxicated while playing the harmonica in the street outside his favorite tavern. He’s really bad at the harmonica but puts his soul into playing and sort of play with his entire body, shifting his position/feet every few notes. ( u/MyEvilTwin74 )
Graham has captured a flock of messenger birds and is reassigning their carried letters at random ( u/Truezenda )
Graham is extracting honey from a beehive full of angry bees ( u/Truezenda )
Graham is rolling oddly shaped die and talking to himself ( u/Truezenda )
Graham is making himelf shoes that have soles pointed in the opposite direction, claiming that he'll finally lose the people tailing him ( u/Truezenda )
Graham has gathered a large number of frogs and is conducting them in a rousing song ( u/Truezenda )
Graham makes a drunken bet that he will stand on "the moon" by the end of the night. He writes "the moon" and stands on it, winning the bet. ( u/Th3R3493r )
Graham is found conversing with a copy of themself and both are claiming the other is the real one while trying to push blame of crimes on "the real Graham". ( u/Th3R3493r )
Graham attempts to sell a "cure for all that ails or ills you for good" and it is a box with a cheap poison in it. ( u/Th3R3493r )
Graham started a new business! For 10 gold and a good joke, he will have you a hand-carved box containing 9 gold. The box has a false bottom, in which he has hidden 1 gold. Also, the box falls apart a few days later. ( u/Broken_Banjo_Photo)
Graham, in a fit of drunken rage, is threatening to urinate on the moon. ( u/Wabutan )
Graham the Hobo is offering a trick shooting demonstration, and not wearing pants, and not carrying a weapon...
Graham the Hobo is trying to sell a box of human hands. The hands are actually hand sized spiders. Graham is absolutely covered in spider bites.
Graham the Hobo is handing out silvery disks that he claims grant the holder access to something he calls Ay Ohwell.
Graham the Hobo is writing a supremely low quality work of fiction where letters in the words are replaced with numbers. If asked about it, Graham just WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT!

[Windows 95][90's] Looking for one those "101 windows 95 game" Shareware games.

2020 Turkish GP Free Practice 3 and Qualifying Debrief - r/Formula1 Editorial Team

2020 Turkish GP Free Practice 3 and Qualifying Debrief

Free Practice 3 by redbullcat and UnmeshDatta26
Qualifying by ZeroSuitFalcon, christopherkj, and UnmeshDatta26

Live Session Discussion Threads

Everyone spun, Lewis was last. The rain came down with a blast

FP3 was a wet affair in Istanbul, with the rain starting to come down shortly before the session and continuing throughout. It worsened as time went on, and towards the end, the rain was harder than at the beginning.
Combined with the lack of grip from the newly resurfaced track, that meant there was very little traction to be found anywhere. Almost every driver had a spin during the session, although incredibly, apart from Antonio Giovinazzi clipping the barrier on the inside of exit of Turn 7 and damaging his front wing endplate, the session was not interrupted.
Some drivers like Valtteri Bottas and Kimi Räikkönen had to use their rallying experience to keep the temperatures on the tires with Pierre Gasly also getting in on the action. Sebastian Vettel, meanwhile, had to spin his wheels quite aggressively in a bid to gain some temperature after an off-track excursion.
The weather was near 10C all day, and the intermittent showers and wind did not help matters. Most drivers started the session with intermediate tires on, but once McLaren pulled the plug on the wet tires 10 minutes into the session, everyone followed suit.
Every driver completed some semblance of running in the torrential conditions, but Lewis Hamilton, George Russell and Nicolas Latifi fail to do any running. Most drivers chose not to run after the rain increased in intensity and with an extra set of intermediate tires for the day, most teams saved it for qualifying.
Ultimately, Max Verstappen set the fastest lap of the session and there was talk of qualifying being red flagged if the rain did not go away, but Race Director Michael Masi ultimately decided that the show would go on.

Qualifying

A Boat Would Be a Better Option

As the session began, the rain came back in the form of a drizzle, with standing water in some parts of the track. Red Bull, McLaren, Racing Point, Ferrari, and Haas all gambled on the intermediate tires, while Renault, Mercedes, AlphaTauri, and the Alfa Romeo used the wet.
All drivers had trouble finding grip in the early part of the session. Every driver was eventually shown drifting or spinning, but as the session progressed, the considerable amount of standing water at the start was beginning to clear up. Lando Norris completed the first timed lap with a 2:07, followed by Sergio Perez. Meanwhile, McLaren engineers hinted that the intermediates could be viable, but the Mercedes engineers begged to differ by calling more immediate rain on the forecast.
Every driver kept struggling for grip as 10 minutes had gone by, Bottas holding P1 with 2:07:001s, while his teammate was 5th. Plenty of drivers had not set a time at that point and time was running out. Alexander Albon kept struggling for grip with less than a quarter of the throttle, showing how delicate the throttle application had to be. And then lightning struck.
A red flag was called out on track with 6:56 left after a massive amount of water started to collect on track, causing multiple drivers to spin and aquaplane. With 6:56 left on the clock, it meant there would still be time for 2, maybe 3, laps once the track was cleared.
At this point, Esteban Ocon was on top, with Bottas, Lance Stroll, Hamilton, and Perez behind him. Charles Leclerc, Romain Grosjean, Gasly, Russell, and Latifi were all in the bottom 5, under pressure to improve once qualifying resumed under penalty of not going through to Q2. Bottas was 0.886 behind Ocon in P2, while Räikkönen was 3.153 seconds off in P10, and Verstappen was a staggering 4.768 off the best time in P15, unable to improve his position after a spin on his outlap caused his fast lap to be interrupted by the red flag. Russell was in 19th 7 seconds off and his teammate had not even completed a timed lap yet. The Safety Car came out twice to judge the track conditions and after over 30 minutes and a sweeper truck wiping the water off the racing line, the track was deemed to be safe enough to run again.
Albon was the first to leave the pits on wet tires, with all cars following him with the same compound. Räikkönen had a massive spin on the outlap, nearly collecting Leclerc upon re-entry. But before we go any further, has anyone in your life told you that lightning does not strike the same place twice? Well…
A red flag was called out with 3:30 left in the session, to clear Grosjean’s car, beached just past Turn 1. He lost control of the car and failed to maintain enough momentum to get out of the gravel trap. The red flag only lasted about 5 minutes, but no driver could set a lap time, and 3 more minutes were off the clock now. Verstappen and Leclerc were under even more pressure now, as they were still stuck in P15 and P16. Track evolution would be quite fantastic, however.
The Red Bull immediately went 8.6 seconds faster than before, Vettel and Leclerc improved massively and the two Alfa Romeos followed suit. Hamilton had his lap time deleted, which put him P14, one of the lowest results for him in his career in Q1. Bottas also failed to improve his time, but he survived in P9, 9.5 seconds off the pace.
Grosjean was unable to set a lap time, and his teammate failed to clear the elimination zone as well. Russell did not make Q2 this time, but he still maintains his perfect qualifying record, now standing at 35-0. Daniil Kvyat had a very hard time on track, with multiple spins, and it meant he failed to clear Q1.
During the frantic last laps, a couple of yellow flags were called out on track, but some drivers improved in those sectors. The stewards called a few drivers to debate the matter, as Kevin Magnussen alleged that some drivers did not lift off as they saw the flags. The stewards will have their say on these decisions after the qualifying session is over. Lance Stroll has been cleared, while others were not no lucky, starting with Q1 victim George Russell.
Right as the session was ending and the cars were heading back into the pits, Latifi beached his Williams on the gravel.

Orange and Red: Shades of Disappointment

The second part of qualifying began with yellow flags still being flown as marshals were in the process of clearing Latifi’s stranded car - a strange and borderline dangerous decision that was immediately criticized by a number of drivers.
Speaking of peculiar decisions, both McLaren drivers came out on the intermediate tire. As the racing line was still very wet, Lando Norris did manage to set the first timed lap of the session but had that time deleted for exceeding track limits. Both he and his teammate Carlos Sainz struggled throughout the session and complained that sustained running on inters caused their rear tires to burn too fast and rear grip to dissipate. With less than a third of the time remaining, the duo pitted for wets in a last-ditch attempt to reach the top 10 but, ultimately, lacked the pace to do so and ended up P11 and P13. The team's day would get even worse, as Sainz was deemed to have impeded Perez and handed a 3 place grid penalty, while Norris lost five places for falling to slow down for yellow flags.
Meanwhile, in a demonstration of superb form, the Red Bull boys had a front-row lockout after the initial set of laps while Bottas was half a second down, with reigning Driver’s Champion Hamilton even further back.
The Red Bull supremacy, however, was not set in stone. As the 15 cars on the track pushed more water off the racing line with every lap, the conditions were quickly improving and times tumbling. Stroll momentarily rose to P1 while Perez was 3rd fastest. Surprising many, Räikkönen extracted enviable pace from his Alfa Romeo, threatening those at the front during the entire session, and raising eyebrows as he outperformed both Ferrari drivers. Mercedes made progress as well but failed to usurp their rivals and did not appear to be the same F1 juggernaut that they almost always are.
With the checkered flag shown, the session came to a close, and Verstappen still held P1, an incredible gap of over 2 seconds to his nearest rival.
Fellow Red Bull-family driver Pierre Gasly had to settle for P15, and, as previously mentioned, McLaren failed to make Q3 after spending much of their session on the wrong compound.
It was also a disappointing afternoon for Ferrari. The Scuderia had shown strength during the free practice sessions but, when push came to shove, wound up in P12 and P14. Interestingly, however, of the two Prancing Horse drivers, it was Leclerc who struggled with the car more. The Monégasque was 1.5 seconds slower than Vettel, thus ending his long-stretching streak of beating his 4-time WDC companion on Saturdays.
Compared to Q1, the second part of qualifying was a quiet affair, as there were only a handful of yellow flags and the drivers seemed to have slowly begun to find the limits of their cars and of the track.
Nevertheless, the implications from the session are profound, given that McLaren fell well short of the pace they need if they are to battle for P3 in the Constructor’s Championship. Racing Point, McLaren, and Renault are all separated by a grand total of just one point and a good performance by McLaren on Sunday will be needed if they are to hold on to the other teams, while continuing to lag will see them have to play catch-up in the last 3 rounds remaining after Istanbul. The pressure is on for the Woking squad and their drivers.

Max v Lance: Who Could’ve Guessed?

The weather for Q3 had greatly improved, a beautiful overcast sky showing over Istanbul, the Seven Hills visible in the background. A 4th consecutive pole position for Red Bull in Istanbul looked inevitable as Max Verstappen was seconds quicker than the nearest competitor. But conditions had changed and it remained to be seen if Q2 form would hold.
Red Bull showed early on just how eager they were, coming out to complete their initial timed laps first, followed by both Alfa Romeos and both Mercedes. For the first set of laps, everyone was on the blue striped wet tire other than Ocon and Perez. It was a strange call as Verstappen’s onboard shots showed that there were still puddles on track.
As he crossed the line, Verstappen set the benchmark at 1:52.3 but was quickly pipped by Perez, who went 2 tenths faster on intermediates, a rare opportunity to see the fabled “tire cross-over” in action. Red Bull was quick to respond as Verstappen set 2 purples sectors on his follow-up lap but ultimately abandoned his lap to come into the pits, instructed by his team to switch to the faster Intermediate tires, as the intermediate was now clearly the faster tire.
Both sides of the Mercedes garage struggled today, Hamilton’s non-running in FP3 apparently hindering his progress, at one point the #44 being 7 seconds off the pace. The gap did shrink as qualifying went on, but the struggles still continued. Hamilton was not convinced the Intermediates were the right tire, eventually reluctantly coming into the pits for the green stripes at the behest of his engineer. It was all for naught as Lewis finished P6 with a 1:52.560, 5 seconds off the pole position time. Bottas struggled even more than Hamilton in the dynamic weather conditions, finishing P9 with a 1:53.358.
Racing Point’s strategy call to place Sergio Perez on the intermediates turned out to be a master stroke. As other teams pitted to switch, Perez spent additional time on track, bringing in valuable information for the team. With the puddles draining away from the racing line, Perez improved his lap time by 2.7 seconds, Stroll behind him for an incredible Racing Point 1-2.
But it was not over yet. Verstappen came out of the pits on a mission and after dominating the free practice sessions, and he looked determined to claim pole position on the wet Istanbul Park. Fate, however, had other plans, as he came out of the pits and immediately protested over the radio that his tires had neither grip nor temperature. It got even worse when he found himself behind Räikkönen on his outlap, the much slower car hampering Verstappen’s tire warming strategy. Verstappen could not pass initially and had to finish his first out lap still behind the Alfa Romeo, and as he had enough time for another outlap, he waited to set his final fast lap, eventually finishing the session in 2nd place.
Lance Stroll continued on after setting his preliminary time and further improved on the treacherous track, he dropped his teammate to P2 and eventually claimed his maiden pole position with an impressive 1:47.765. Lance Stroll also became the first Canadian to start from pole since Jacques Villeneuve at the 1997 European GP.
The final qualifying order, on which very few people would have bet on before the session started, was Stroll, Verstappen, Perez, Albon, Daniel Ricciardo, Hamilton, Ocon, Räikkönen, Bottas and Antonio Giovinazzi.

Looking Forward to the Race

Strategy was the name of the game today, it led to Racing Point and Lance Stroll’s historic pole position, but great strategy calls on Saturday will not guarantee success on Sunday, even more so in changing conditions. Racing Point has had its fair share of dubious strategy calls this year, most recently throwing away a podium for Perez at the Emilia Romagna GP in Imola. But hopefully they will again do well tomorrow and build on their Saturday glory.
Verstappen has been electric all weekend and all odds pointed toward him getting pole until he came out in traffic and struggled with the temperatures on his intermediates. He was utterly dejected with the result, clearly feeling he could have done better, but tomorrow will be a different day, and while Lance Stroll is known on the paddock for his great starts, Verstappen is already considered one of the best drivers on the grid and should be in a great position to fight for the lead with Stroll.
The weather forecast for tomorrow shows similar temperatures at 14C / 57F with a 50% chance of scattered showers, which heavily points to a wet track tomorrow. As both Mercedes struggled with the cold conditions, it is not inconceivable that they will not be able to challenge for the lead. But a wise Formula 1 fan does not discount the Black Arrows that easily, so we will watch them closely once the red lights are out tomorrow. If they do struggle, Verstappen could have a great shot at victory, provided the Racing Points fail to match their Saturday pace.
Renault have shown potential to grab important points this weekend, as McLaren and Ferrari will be starting further behind them.
A hot take to finish this preview before the race tomorrow: both Alfas are in the points, as tomorrow could see a replay of the battle of attrition and longevity we saw in the 2019 German GP. There remains a slim possibility that Alfa could snatch a podium and become the eighth different team to do so this season.
All questions will be answered tomorrow on track.

Monarchy: an adventurer's guide to ruling Faerun

[Lets Build] Interesting Bartenders/Tavernkeepers

Lets build one hundred different tavern owners to make taverns more interesting!

Die Roll	Result
1	Davis Owensby - A retired farmer who converted his old barn into a tavern. This tavern keeper brews all his own beers with hops that he grows. He will sit and talk about farming for hours, if you let him. He is worried about his cows going missing, and suspects the ogres in the hills are to blame.
2	The Ghost of Sel'seren - This tavern is haunted by the previous tavern keeper who died a few years ago. Sel'seren was a gorgeous elven woman who treated all her guests like family. People who stay the night in this inn report having their covers being pulled over them on cold nights on their own, and mugs of ale being refilled on their own.
3	Mugsy - The ex-criminal Mugsy is a goblin who pulled off a BIG heist in his past, and is using the tavern as a cover to stay under the radar. He speaks fluent Thieve's Cant and usually takes a liking to rogue players. He charges paladins extra.
4	Slunk Copperpot - Slunk is a goblin stripper who recently came into possession of her own tavern because the previous owner died of mysterious circumstances. Slunk was always his favorite dancer, and he left the tavern to her in her will. The strange thing is, he died within days of telling Slunk that information. What a coincidence!
5	Al'Ashir - This foreigner from the desert is looking to start his new business in a land far from his home. He is overly accommodating, and typically cooks all the meals himself. If the patrons aren't used to desert cuisine, they may find it particularly on the dry side.
6	Thain D’ulbris - A former adventurer who says he has traveled with all the great heroes though none of his stories match up he is a portly fun loving man. Though he is a bit loud he has ties to the rebels though he doesn’t advertise this other than his rampant and aggressive nationalism he uses as a cover.
7	Lily - This charming, attractive Elven woman always seems to know exactly what to say to cheer up patrons and get them talking. A town drunk swears that she's actually a disguised monster and the head of a local organized crime syndicate.
8	Mimi - This enchanted wizard's familiaapprentice runs the bar, using her telekinetic abilities in place of hands. The bar features a variety of exotic drinks from across the world and even some extraplanar ones (dangerous and highly expensive drinks only available with a reservation and advance order).
9	Nimue - This bright red horned tiefling has spent quite a bit of money on the decor of her bar, which is themed after hell. The barestaurant is upscale, and the food and drinks, while good, are pricy. This is a popular spot for the children of nobility to attend. The bartender has acquired several rocks enchanted with Nystul's Magic Aura, which she has put in the foundations in order to create an "aura of evil" around the place.
10	Kra'ax Three Claw - The hulking Half-Dragon is surprisingly well mannered, but will violently throw out anyone they learn takes part in the trapping of animals. They lost their left foot to an owlbear trap while traveling the wilds and sorely miss going on long treks through the untamed wilderness. Will buy or trade at a very fair price for fresh wild berries and unique stones.
11	Grin Stoneboot - A stout dwarf, with fiery red hair and no beard, that owns and operates a tavern carved entirely from one large stone block. He’s known for his wild tales of his missing flying monkey. Every time one of his patrons asks him something he always manages to lead the conversation toward his missing monkey (Nam). Rumor has it that Grin shaved his beard and won’t regrow it until he finds his lost friend. I’m sure Grin would have a fantastic reward for the player that found poor Nam.
12	Orx Thrallkeep - former gladiator, living his best life running a bar with a solid connection to the local sporting events community and betting parlors. His favorite weapon, a silver trident, is more than just decoration behind the bar.
13	Abeg Two-Smiles - reformed thief, he was horribly scarred by an angry tavern owner during his early life and eventually returned from his adventuring days to not only buy the bar itself but also to help guide young, troubled future thieves by honing their skills and boasts that anyone able to successfully steal a mug from his bar will drink free for a year. So far, none have been able to do so.
14	Juli Wise (formerly Jani the Jannkiller) - druid with a focus on elemental magic, she's laying low for the time being until the next planar alignment allows her return to some mysterious place where her allies are waiting. In the meantime, she's keeping busy and trying get information from every traveler staying at her roadside inn.
15	Herk - a goblin who found the perfect score in treasure hunting - dead adventuring groups. His specialty is building quiet, lethal traps and placing them in front of already-cleared dungeons after the adventurers have entered. They die, he collects the loot and puts it to work building a safe space for his extended family. Remarkably, he's happier running a tavern than he ever was living in dungeons and caves.
16	Josh - A well-mannered ogre. Runs a small tavern on the edge of town, and it's clear that he puts a lot of love into it. His family was kidnapped for a gladiatorial arena, meant to test fighters prowess. Josh could never really stand the sight of blood, so he opted to take on the position of cook for the combatants in the arena. He's very self-conscious about his size, but he's a gentle giant, and a friendly soul. Speaks with a slight New Zealand accent.
17	Weiss and Jaded - an Aasimar and Tiefling Wife/Husband duo. Weiss mans the bar putting patrons to ease with her holy feminine charm while Jaded in the back is the Cook and Brewmaster known for his signature drink Devil Rose Ale. If asked about their relationship they'll simply state that it was originally a joke to screw with friends but they learned to truly love each other.
18	Lurag Strongbrew - Lurag is a retired Dwarven barbarian. He made it his mission in life to find the lost mead recipe of the legendary Dwarven brewer, Gilgoth Honeybeard. Once he retrieved it, he settled down and opened a tavern to share the legendary brew with the world.
19	Meef, Störsk, and Gjël - A trio of gnomes who take turns bussing tables, cooking, and bartending. Tavern is built into the bottom of a cliff-face and the goblins added wooden structure to turn a large hollow into a serviceable, if somewhat cramped for medium and larger characters. They each have small wooden protrusions on tight fitting jerkins that attach on the back of the each shoulder. They use these to boost eachother up and grab things from the top shelves. The food and beverages are mostly fungi-based with some options for everybody. They all complain of the smell if asked to cook meat, but will aquiesce and make the food without further qualm.
20	Kareem Sandjabar - A mage who runs the tavern liberal use of mage hand, unseen servant, summons, and other magical means. Keeps a pet mimic named Boorf in the tavern that likes to prank people by turning into mugs and foot stools. Will pay handsomely for self-washing dishes because he cant stand the way his minions clean them.
21	Elias Alondir - A high elf mage who seems a bit out of place running a tavern. Being a bit of a germaphobe, he has several unseen servants as his wait staff as well as his psudodragon that collects payment and tips. Elias never touches the coins from his customers, instead dumping it all into a chest with Mage Hand and cleaning it later. When the tavern gets busy, the high elf gets a bit of anxiety and copes by letting out small laughs and chuckles as he converses with his patrons. The name of the tavern? The Laughing Mage.
22	Iphin - A minor god of alcohol who got bored just being in his realm, sells stranded drinks for cheep and high quality drink for exorbitant prices, can cure hangovers for a price.
23	Chime - This kenku is the owner and operator of Three Crows tavern/inn. The main drink is made in house and is called the three crows. Upon taking the first drink of a freshly poured Three Crows the drinker feels a burp coming but when they open their mouth to burp they let out three caws (bird sounds) the bigger the drink you take the louder the caws should be, the smaller the sip the more quiet. Chime being a Kenku and having difficulty with communication has signs all around his tavern, not just menu/room and board, but also common sayings and phrases that he’ll point to when he doesn’t feel like interacting Backstory Chime a retired Pirate, he was The first mate to the famous Captain Dread. He retired after he was injured in a battle with the Royal Navy.
24	Littlebob Mancoon is a retired (from adventuring) halfling rogue with prison tattoos on his face. Barrel chested and rather tall for a halfling, he has a dead pan sense of humor but always raises one eyebrow when he's joking. Deep voiced, he is a quick talker who says "ya ya" and "no ya" alot. Always a gambler, he won this tavern called the Way Way in a high stakes game of Kiriki while incarcerated. He has a special where you roll 2 dice and are served drinks according to the outcome. If you roll a 1 and a 2 it's on the house. He also charges half price for those that order in thieves cant.
25	Vorrakas Crixush - Red dragonborn paladin-turned-mercenary-turned tavern owner. Despite suffering great tragedy in his life, he is a stern, yet friendly and fatherly figure. A life-time of adventuring has made him a veritable font of wisdom on the subject, and many up-and-coming adventurers come to him for advice. Runs the Red Fang tavern and inn with his old friend and sworn-brother, the dwarf Hjolthrun Bronzeheart. Mess with his wait staff at your peril. Don't mess with his adoptive drow daughter if you wish to live a long life.
26	Casémone Cosmone - A grey-skinned, brown-haired and ram-horned retired Lyre-playing Bard that runs a feywild-style tavern and claims himself to be a Faun. Drinks and dishes are named after imaginary feywild herbs, shrooms and berries, and tables are engraved with rings to make them look like tree stumps. Truth of the matter is he is simply a Tiefling that looks vaguely Faun-like and attempts to use this as a trick to get customers. Locals are usually aware of this, but an unassuming stranger may find themselves tricked. Despite knowing the trick, locals still come for the unique atmosphere and Casémone's bright smile and relentless dedication to the facade.
27	Hjolthrun Bronzeheart - Dwarven ex-mercenary, now part-owner and brewmaster of the Red Fang tavern and inn. A jolly old soul always willing to share a few tales to anyone who asks. Spends his days experimenting with new types of alcoholic drinks, from making wine from watermelons to trying to recreate an old recipe that includes slime from a gelatinous cube. His most prized possession is a reinforced dwarven adamantine beer stein his calls Fimbul'kheled (Great Mug). Mess with his wait staff are your peril. Don't mess with his drow sworn-niece if you wish to live a long life.
28	Aialla, a human bard who failed to make it in the big city and now runs an inn focused on performances. This way she can play all she wants. She's not amazing but not horrible either. Here anyone can play or read. In fact you need to perform or the price of your meal is doubled. What you perform is up to you, but each customer must do something on stage to get the discount.
29	Angus Throwbeard - a surly dwarf that walks around on stilts, making him seven and a half foot tall.
30	Dirk Prophet- Assimar Bartender with a love of spiced and mulled drinks. He stands at 6'5" and has golden hair with silver freckles. The most popular drink he makes is called Celestials call, it is 3 part vodka, one part berry juice, bitters and a sprinkling of mint and spices and a touch of silver dust. A retired bard he has his lute about the bar and can sometimes be caught playing on slow nights.
31	Boogle the Gnome - He has a pack of weasels that help him tend the bar.
32	Fizz the Kenku - who repeats your order back in your own voice. The "Fizz" is literally the sound of a sudsy beer being poured.
33	Father Endros - Tends bar at a location run by the local church. He and his fellow monks brew beer in the name of their diety.
34	Misty Spring - A hard as nails half elf who was raised by a nature loving human parent and now hates that lifestyle, almost as much as she hates her name. She hasn't left the confines of the city she lives in for years.
35	Floria - A sweet halfling barkeep who just wants to be everyone's mother. She has her regular's meals waiting for them when they clock out of their shifts. She is VERY attentive with her patrons.
36	Umlog and Nevell aka "the beauty and the beast". Umlog is a literal troll, yet an extraordinary one. He's as intelligent as a troll can be and actually not a bad fellow. He is well read and has particularly deep knowlegde of local laws. He acquired his tavern in a remote deal via an exchange of letters. No one knew a troll was the buyer, before the deal was done. People in this area -close to the feywoods- are very keen on honoring deals and contracts and thus, somewhat begrudgingly abstained from gathering their torches and pitchforks. The success of the "Green side of Life" -that's the name of the tavern- is not only based on Umlog's craftiness, though. A nymph named Nevell works in the tavern at the side of Umlog. She is hospitality personified, a skilled chef, baker and singer. Nobody except them seems to know how they ended up together, but they run a really homely place in a village on the edge of civilization.
37	Pierce "Ears" Moldun, a balding human with normal sized, non-pierced ears, is the owner of Sweet Relethe. He is always looking down, at the drink he is pouring, the bar he is polishing, or the food he is cooking. He is a man of few words. Tell him, "Ears, I need to give away a story," and leave a proper sum on the bar. You will know what his service is worth if you truly need it. It may be expensive, but rarely more than one can pay. The price is different for every story, but if you do not offer enough, he will know after a quick glance at you. He will shake his head and continue with his work. If your coin is sufficient, he will nod his head, then get the dark blue bottle down from the top shelf. Slowly. Carefully. The bottle is beautifully made, but you find yourself unable to describe it apart from the color. He will pour a tiny shot, small as a thimble, before replacing the bottle and pulling you a beer to go with it. He will tell you that it's best to drop the shot in the beer then drink it slowly as you tell your story. It is best to trust him on this. As you begin your story, he will look up at you with eyes the same color as the bottle, and you will not be able to look away. He will listen intently as you tell your story, and as the words pass your lips they will also pass out of your memory. The regulars say that even if someone is sitting right next to you, they will not hear a word, just the quiet mumbling of a slow moving river. You will leave Sweet Relethe no longer possessed by your story, not in the slightest upset at your expenditure, and quick to recommend Ears of Sweet Relethe to anyone who seems in need of his service.
38	Ripzicki Papqat - Gnomish owner of "The Shimmer and Shine," Rip is known for drinks that pack a punch stronger than their small size lets on. An accomplished but eccentric alchemist, Rip has taken to testing out the effects of his drinks at his inn.
39	Shanassa the Viridescent - Dryad owner of "The Cornicopia," Shanassa's inn is actually a tree magically manipulated to house guests. Unfortunately, she had to close down the tables balanced on branches until she could figure out how to get drunk customers to stop falling off.
40	Arthur "Art" Igneous Ficer - Art is a an average sized fellow with sallow skin and sunken eyes. To give you an idea of his general appearance: despite owning a bar and inn for travelers, it looks like Art is the one that really could use some rest. But Art is a pleasant man with a passion for magically enchanted items. He gladly will talk to any traveler with such an item about the item. He finds it all fascinating. He will tell you that he used to dabble a little, but he couldn't find too many volunteers. So, he opened a bar and inn, and that pays pretty well. He keeps the price low, and that keeps travelers coming in. If you decide to stay for the night, all weapons need to be left in his care before you head up to your rooms. He's had too many drunken fights break out in the dormitory area, he will tell you. For any party member that blacks out at the bar or decides to stay the night, the DM must roll a D4 when the party member checks out of the inn. You see, Art never did give up his love of magic item creation, and he is desperately working on figuring out how to enchant weapons and items in a single night. DM rolled a 4? Surprise! An item of yours, at the DM's choosing, has acquired a properly functioning effect, also of your DM's choosing! Rolled a 3? Well, it's the same as 4, except the DM will also roll a 1d10 on your every use/attack, and a 1 will mean that your item misfired in wild magic (DM's choice). A 2? Oof. Well, it is the same as rolling a 3, except your item is completely unmagical except for the 1d10 chance of wild magic. And if the DM rolls a 1, then you were significantly robbed of either money or an item. Making magical weapons and items costs a lot, after all, and Art has a bit of rogue in him, it seems. Also, for any night a party member stays at the inn, there is a 1d6 chance of an unsatisfactorily explained small fire breaking out overnight. The following morning after such a fire, Art normally looks a little worse for wear.
41	Judy Krom - Owner of the Dog's Ear Inn, she learned a spell of invisibility to "clean up messes". most patrons are none the wiser but casting a spell to see invisible things reveals that the cups and bar top are coated with years of dirt and grime. The town isn't really sure why people are getting so sick all the time but the bar is always packed because Judy is such a charismatic person. She'll tell you stories for hours, but none of them are true.
42	Will Hornton - This bar called The Screaming Pickle has been in his family for 5 generations. People come from miles around for his pickle hooch. He never married and has no son to pass the bar to and it's getting late in his years. However, the business has slowed since the latest news of the campaign has scared customers off and he isn't sure he will have had anything to pass on to a kin anyway.
43	Abigail Turnsprout - A jolly halfling who is an avid gardener. She spices her drinks with unique herbs grown in her garden just behind her tavern, The Tipsy Turnip. Her prized Top Shelf Brew has a secret recipe of herbs and spices that many have tried and failed to obtain.
44	Tally- an older, buff halfling woman who speaks with a country accent and repeatedly calls the players "honey." Used to be an adventurer and tells stories of the fights she once found herself in.
45	Bob, Jim, and Clyde- three gnomes in a trenchcoat. They all have completely different personalities, opinions of different races, and pricing. They go by whatever the name is of the gnome whose head is on top that day!
46	Oldeye Jasper - An elderly human with one white lazy eye. He's warm and inviting to people who come into his bar, but if you let him, he'll talk to you for hours about his conspiracy theories like Lizardfolk secretly running the kingdom, or Fey leaving changelings in place of local children, and the mayor being secretly a swarm of pixies in disuse. But these are just the ramblings of an old man. Right?...
47	Sweeps - An animated broomstick that serves drinks and cleans the tavern 24/7. This would be extremely advantageous if he weren't so incredibly clumsy. He was made by the previous owner and now the current owners don't know how to get rid of him.
48	Sloppy' Joe Reznar. A Half Orc who earned his nickname for often being drunker than his customers.
49	Tivali - A female tabaxi with 5 young kids all the same age who love roaming around the tables asking adventurers tons of questions. They will sometimes place wagers or entertain for money in order to compete with their siblings for who can make the most money in one night. If they were to ever get into trouble, Tivali would suddenly be there scooping them into her arms. She's a racing champion who's known to be able to run faster than a falcon can fly.
50	The Tavern - There is no tavern keeper because this magical tavern is it's own keeper. Food appears on tables seconds after ordering it, and all you must do to pay is toss coins onto the wooden floor which immediately disappear without even a sound. There are no rooms available in this tavern, it is simply for enjoyment only. Those who forget to pay the bill tend do go missing the next day...
51	Amie, Aedricks, and Harlen. Triplets who’ve inherited a tavern. They are a Human, Elf, and Half-Elf and the Human and Elf are always feuding, leaving the Half-Elf to mediate. When the heroes arrive, the two are in such a bad fight, it must be resolved before the party can rest there for the night.
52	Elane of Juunvanfel. She is a young bartender, daughter of the ancient bartender who was a mythomaniac. Everyone knows it, but He was harmless. He was saying he was a prince of a far away land called Juunvanfel, but no one believe him. Elane talk about it with a lot of humour, and there's no chance she is really a princess. But she is really kind and charismatic, and everyone in town called her Little Queen. (if you want the lie to be true, why not!)
53	Drubogg. An orc (or half-orc) who was a raider in the past. After 15 years of jail, the local authority had free him with mercy. One of the tavern in the town was dying because the bartender was very sick, and Drubogg help him to run his business. Since 3 year, this impressive orc are a meticulous bartender and the town seems to accept him quit gently, even with his violent past. He take care of the previous bartender with a cold, but sincere kindness.
54	Jomag and Marsia. A couple who run the tavern since 20 years. The love between them is still joyful. But sometimes, they seems to be quit melancholic. If the players want to know something about it, the bartenders don't want to spread the information. But the customers will respond : they suffer they can't have children. Maybe, if one day the PCs find an orphan, they can make them very happy.
55	One-Day-He. A clever halfling who is a sorcerer who had change his name to make a contract with a powerful, but naive, Wealth Spirit. After 10 years of labor in this tavern, he will have access to an impressive amount of gold. Technically, he trade his soul... but the contract say "One-day-he will give me his soul after he receive the gold.". He's very happy and boastful about that. Maybe he's not so clever, because it's obvious for the PCs that all rogue people in town just wait the day who One-Day-He will receive the gold to steal him. Maybe the Wealth Spirit is vexed to had been so naive, and will exchange the soul of One-Day-He with a lot of gold? Who knows!
56	Holt - A man in his mid thirties whos never left the town- and doesn't intend to. He knows everyone, and everyone knows him, and seems to owe him a favor. He's always willing to help out, going to great lengths to do so, and is very warm and welcoming to all in his tavern. The patrons of his tavern return his favors, and as such he holds many regular customers, many of who will jumpy quick to stop a destructive bar fight.
57	Nora Durthane and Agnes Baumann, a dwarf and human couple. Agnes keeps the ledger, walking through the tavern room like a queen through court, greeting every patron with a smile. Nora runs the kitchens, providing hearty fare for adventurers and locals. Their tiefling son helps run the bar and remove belligerent patrons.
58	Trish One-Eye - Owner and operator of the rickety old dive bar down by the docks. An old woman with a red embroidered eyepatch and short grey hair. She secretly can talk to rodents, and so can be an excellent source of rumors and information, if you get on her good side. Serves a spicy 'meat stew' which may or may not be made of cat. Will tell lewd jokes and talk shit about her ex-girlfriends if you get her drunk.
59	Eigen Renn: A tall, heavily built human with a smirking smile and an exceptionally loud laugh. Always knows just what to say to break up a fight or set up favorite patrons for romance. Full of stories, most of which are obvious lies that you can't help but half believe. Remembers everyone's first name, their drink, their birthday, their type, and their misadventures (which he will happily and loudly relate to the entire bar--but all in good fun). Ruddy faced, with scant blond hair and tired, grey-blue eyes. He brags that he is son of a tavernkeeper, who was son of a tavernkeeper, who was son of a fallen princess and a tavern keeper. He isn't. He also isn't Eigen Renn. In another time and a distant country he had another name, the name of a slave trader notorious for his charm and cunning. He dealt in "specialties:" finding just the right slave for your particular, and highly expensive taste. Children, oddities, half-breeds, even sentient monsters were all his trade. Rumor says he once sold a nobleman his own son after faking the boy's death. Another says he sold two rivals to each other, then sold both to a particularly inventive necromancer. Nothing was beneath him, and no one was beyond his reach. An elaborate magical ruse allowed him to escape his old life (with pockets full of gold and magical protections for his "retirement"), he now amuses himself playing tavern keeper and practicing his own slaver's skills by manipulating the lives of his clients. Whether his enemies find him again--and if they do whether he is worth saving--is up to you.
60	Bart Keep - an irresponsible innkeeper who runs a shoddy tavern. The food and drinks are low quality, brawls happen too often, a lot of stuff get stolen, and one time a pack of rats invaded the tavern. And he never notices because he says that he's busy with 'other things'. And when he means other things, he means looking at erotic literature and pleasuring himself. No wonder no one even bothered to shut down his tavern yet.
61	Alice Bob - An innkeeper of a tavern with a horrible reputation who tries her hardest to make her tavern better, and yet she only makes things worse. Turns out that the tavern is cursed by a witch after Alice refused to serve her, thus cursing the tavern with bad luck.
62	Xaero Xsisth: A lizardfolk woman, exiled in her youth from her tribe for being highly intelligent, which lizardfolk generally shun. Growing up in the shadows and alleys of a grand city, she learned how to cook, bake, brew and serve by observation. Asking her any question about tribal life may cause her to have an emotional breakdown. Xaero loves hearing tales of daring and adventure and if the story is good enough, she may just let you have a snack for free!
63	Jasmine Mcaull - A blue macaw parrot aarokocroa who serves up any rum-based drink with a song and a smile. She often requests bards to try their hand at playing salsa music in her tavern and is known to give a couple of unsolicited tips to the adventurers that seem to appreciate the unusual music. Her tavern stands out for its bright colors and attempts at island decor.
64	Torin Pliedes - A solicitous satyr who spends half his time behind the bar and half his time tormenting the serving wenches. He has a permanent "Help Wanted" sign in the window as he's a cruddy boss and most don't tolerate his attentions for long. He's so preoccupied that half the time he pours the beer but doesn't collect the money he's owed.
65	Falstaff Argon - A stout half-orc who boasts about his accomplishments as an adventurer and proudly displays his war axe on an ebony plaque behind the bar. He challenges adventurers to take the bigger jobs and bigger hunts if he hears them deliberating in his tavern. He was injured badly in his last adventure and decided only then to retire, though it is clear he misses the life. He pays nobly for a good stag or boar and is known to post hunts of unusual creatures that plague the area.
66	Grimm - This tavern is actually run by a number of different people and the main bartender switches out every single day to an entirely new person - but behind the scenes, it’s just a single changeling practicing their acting.
67	Illia the Wise: A handsome dwarf woman, Illia is actually Illixthalix, an adult Gold Dragon who is locked in her dwarf form due to a run-in with a Fey spirit decades ago. Became a tavern keeper initially to keep her ear to the ground to try and find someone who could break the curse, but has found that she quite likes living amongst mortals. The local government is aware of her true draconic nature, and she has a tense agreement to advise them on matters concerning dragons, historical events, and magic items in exchange for them not causing her trouble. She can temporarily assume her true form, but doing so causes a good deal of discomfort and she is unable to hold the form for longer than a few moments (quite long enough to intimidate unruly patrons to settle down however). Is THE expert on the architecture and infrastructure of the now-nonexistant country of Grecciyn and has authored four books on the subject.
68	Talensvar - Talensvar is a highly civilized ogre who dresses eloquently every night and keeps an immaculate establishment. The servers are all well-dressed, well-spoken and polite. Some are half-orcs, and some of the kitchen staff and plate clears dishwashers etc are goblins as well as human. It's a high-end inn. my game talents are lost two of his friends under mysterious circumstances in a battle and will pay adventurers to find them. He is well spoken polite tolerant, everything you don't expect an ogre to be. However he doesn't put up with any nonsense, except from a friend of his who's a local hedge wizard, who will be happy to join a party just for some pay at the end of it. He uses spells that often spectacularly fail, usually with somewhat comic but not too harmful results.
69	Rondo “Double Dizzy” Thimblebottom: A retired Gnome Ranger Beastmaster who hung up his adventuring cap after his lifelong friend and pet Giant Badger, Dizzy, was slain in combat. He’s now the proprietor of Dizzy’s Pub, a dive-y but well-loved pub by locals who come to hear Rondo recount tales of his adventuring days, some comical, some downright frightening. A giant painting (by gnome standards, it’s only 60”x48”) of Dizzy curled up resting under a tree is adorned above a fireplace in the pub.
70	Gina and Reyna, Gina is a kenku woman who owns the tavern and helps run it if the party has any questions she will point to Reyna her adopted daughter and tell them 'Ask Reyna'. Reyna is a half eleven girl that is 19 she has been teaching Gina how to talk more and is more then willing to answer any of the party's questions.
71	Tolbin Shortwick, a halfling rouge who speaks thieves' cant and has a few drugs and basic potions that you can get if you speak thieves' cant to him. There are investigations on people getting robbed at other taverns and with further investigation you will learn it was Tolbin or if you speak thieves' cant Tolbin will tell you it was him.
72	Chopper - A half-orc who cultivates rumors that they chop off body parts of those who dont pay their tab. They keep a few bottles on display with fingers and toes preserved inside, and have a ritual requiring those who want to start a tab, "Kiss the Toe" by taking a drink from one of the bottles. Truth is, Chopper secretly knows a Gravedigger who can procure parts, no questions asked.
73	Sweet Leaves - A small treant. The only type of alcohol that's served in their establishment is a special kind of Kirsch. This is because Sweet Leaves makes all their alcohol with their own cherries. As a result, Sweet Leaves' tavern is small but popular to a small group interested in the Kirsch.
74	Virtus Swifttail - A slightly overweight centaur in his late 20s who decided that he preferred city life over the nomadic life of his former tribe. While he's chatty and provides good service, he often ends up bumping things accidentally with his horse half.
75	Barrus Fymar - A large human man who's in his early 60s who towers over most of his guests. He used to be a paladin adventurer, but he lost his sword arm during a battle with a nightwalker and retired to become a tavern keep. He still displays the magical greatsword he used on his journey inside his tavern, but it's now unusable by him.
76	Sinead, Iron Golem operator of J.J. Killahans - Sinead was originally conjured as a bouncer for the rowdy establishment. The original owner, J.J., left the bar to Sinead in his will. Sinead runs the bar, though hospitality is often beyond her reach. She plays the same 3 tavern songs on a 15 minute loop, as 15 minutes is more than adequate time for a customer to consume their drink (and promptly leave).
77	Silent Joey is abnormal because he's, well, silent. Normally this would be an unacceptable obstacle for a bartender, but Joey is a master drink-maker and surprisingly good at interacting with customers. He's a very good listener, too.
78	Greenscarf Tabitha has the power of appearance-changing but can't control it. She wears a green scarf so others can identify her, as it's anyone guess what face you'll see when you walk in each evening.
79	Malamenmar is a polite and talkative guy who runs a quiet inn on a mountain road. But once a month a mysterious man comes into the bar and Malamenmar drops everything to cater to this guy. If pressed he will reply that the man is a very dear friend and he values his comfort highly.
80	Ranold & Ezra Nikos are brothers. Outgoing Ranold tends bar, reserved Ezra handles the supplies and finances. The strange thing is that the two are never seen in the same place at once.
81	A blind bartender that doesn’t realize his formerly-white rag is dirtying the glasses, but he still keeps perfect track of who orders what.
82	Kurdran Brewhammer - This Dwarf is the last remaining Brewhammer, legendary brewers that were known far and wide for a huge variety of beers. Kurdran is a retired adventurer who loves battle and action. He has a tall orange mohawk and a big bushy beard and is extremely proud of his family heritage. He's very friendly and loves to tell tales of his various adventures, but if provoked he is a fierce barbarian. With a swig of beer, he's ready to brawl!
83	Captain Andor Gray is the innkeeper of Sparrow's Rest. He was the captain of the Night Wind, a smuggling ship, but is now earning a mostly honest living. He retired after a shipwreck that killed most of his crew. He still keeps "Pickle", a green parrot, who can usually be found in the common room. The bird will squawk "awk stay outta the grog awk" whenever someone refills their mug from the cask that Gray keeps out, free for the sailors who can't afford better. You can almost always find a fence buying goods there (no questions asked), and rumors say there's a hidden tunnel from the cellar that leads under the city wall to an abandoned quarry.
84	Joost is the friendly innkeeper of the Crown and Crescent inn. He's either a very tall dwarf, or maybe a half-dwarf (no one's sure, and he won't say). He has rust-colored hair and a braided beard, which he tucks into his apron.
85	Kósh is the half-orc innkeeper of the Outside Inn, just outside the city of Redcliff. He named it, but he doesn't really get the joke. Surprisingly, the inn does good business, even though it has few amenities except for a large stable and a good location if you're just passing through the city.
86	Zhirella is the attractive female half-elf innkeeper (and madame) of the Golden Bush tavern. It's very popular for its high-class courtesans.
87	Egan 'Rusty' Ironmane is the dwarf innkeeper of the Silver Eel Tavern. He was formerly a fisherman and before that a soldier.
88	Hard'ach "Hardy" Sl'avis - A dragonborn with the mannerisms of a dwarf, he inherited his tavern from his grandfather, Sil'bahn. He has a knack for making spicy meals for his patrons, and is quite a friend to make, knowing all of the goings-on in the town.
89	Cressida and Corinth Vor Haishen - a Dwarven couple with an adopted minotaur for a son far taller than either of them. They'll give you a discount if you can tell their son a story that'll keep him entertained for a bit, and want your input on where to send such a curious young boy to learn more. An academy, a monastery, they want input!
90	Skaesgolr the Tired - Skaesgolr the Tired of the Uthgardt will tolerate near enough anything, a fair fight is welcome, but assassins and thieves are not. He has much pride, and still believes he honours Uthgar, both with his past, and his present. His greatest achievement, a Giant sized great axe, it can be seen broken and damaged, hung in it’s ruined majesty on the rear wall above the bar. Anyone who challenges his idea or faith in his God will be challenged to a fight and/or be made to leave. Growing tired of finding the next great challenge, he claims that if Uthgar wants him to die in some great battle, it will have to find him - here he will wait... warm, well fed, with a belly fully of ale and a sack full of silver.
91	Molly Rexxen - A red-headed human female who always wears a bandana over her hair. She's a retired high level fighter who was once a soldier, and was ridiculed because she was a woman amongst the guard. When her city was surprised attacked by a neighboring band of monsters, she devised a plan and led the charge that protected the city with no casualties. After this, she turned down a promotion and quit to build her tavern and create an adventuring guild.
92	Modeus Jackson - a retired high level bard who runs "The Pocket" Inn. Often humming as he works and any action he does seems to follow the rhythm to an unheard song. In fact anyone who stays in "The Pocket" for long enough will find their actions more rhyrhmic than usual, joining in a symphony of synchronized cultery clanking, mastication, foot tapping under harmonising musical conversations and even melodious arguments. Modeus takes extra delight in serving Bard patrons who bring their own instruments and will offer discounts and advice in return for a quick performance.
93	Krall Razorthorn - Former half-orc warrior turned tavern owner, he exchanged his armor for a tuxedo. He runs a high class tavern called The Silk Sheik Tavern, specializing in dainty cocktails and high end drinks.
94	Borgrarg - Having amassed a fortune adventuring, this dwarf opened Drink. The tavern hasn't make so much as a copper piece in 4 years. He's been drunk all this time giving away drinks to anyone who walks in the door. Lucky for him, he's located in a small village, now known for its sobriety.
95	Marty Oggbin - smallish, middle-aged human, with a slight hunch on his back. Born and raised locally. Marty is forever the optimist and mysteriously manages to spin any traveler's downtrodden tale. He often gives away food to those most in need.
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different bets horse racing video

Mаtched bеtting is a bеtting technique used by individuals to profit from the free bets and incentives offered by bookmakers. Placepot. The Placepot is another favourite for racegoers. Select a horse in each of the first six races at a specific racecourse on a single day, and if that horse finishes in the placings you win a share of the Across the board – A bet on a horse to win, place, and show. If the horse wins, the bettor collects three ways; if second, two ways (place, show); and if third, one way, losing the win and place bets. It’s actually three bets. Morning line – The odds that the track handicapper predicts a horse will go off at. Horse Racing Bet Types. If you are looking to bet on the horses, there are lots of different bet types and options. In our full guide, we look at all of them, from singles to Yankees, Lucky 15 to Goliaths, so you can find one to suit you. Types of Horse Racing Bets: Straight Bets and Exotic Bets. Horse betting is what makes this event one of the most popular sports in the world. And knowing how to bet on horses can keep you coming back for more. Horse bets can be put into one of two categories; straight bets and exotic bets. Straight Bets in Horse Racing. Straight bets are Different Types of Horse Racing Bets The types of Horse Racing bets in Horse betting has remained as prevalent as ever in spite of the increase in other types of sports betting. The arrival of high speed internet has transformed the way punters can place their bets with more betting options than ever before. The year-end championship in thoroughbred racing is the Breeders’ Cup, which is held in the fall at a different venue each year. Harness – Harness horse bets are popular among horseplayers as most harness tracks race at night, giving punters that have a day job plenty of action in the evenings. The Meadowlands is one of the most popular Exotic Bets: Single Race. Exacta/Perfecta/Exactor: One of the simplest single-race exotic bets, the Exacta is the combination of predicting the winning horse and the second-place horse, in order. This will pay more than betting either of the horses to win or place. A $2 bet on an Exacta will pay out the amount shown for an Exacta bet on the wager payoffs after the race is official. On a baseline level, here’s a beginner’s guide to betting on horse racing. We’ll start with the types of bets at play. Types of Bets. The first type of wager that you can place is a simple From basic straight bets, exotics wagers, each way betting and everything else in-between, keep reading down below to see all the different horse racing bet types explained. Horse Racing Bet Types Explained. Due to the nature of the sport – as well as the absence of in-play betting – there are considerably less types of bets for horse The different types of horse racing bets and their names; The difference between straight bets and exotic bets; The difference between horizontal and vertical horizontal bets; The difference between straight and boxed bets; There are a multitude of horse racing bets you can make, but let’s get started with the basics.

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Stat Bets Horse Racing Review [HONEST] Stat Bets Horse ...

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Types of Horse Racing Bets - Straight, Exotic Bets Explained

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Different Types of Bets in Horse Racing

Testing different Inside Track (horse racing) betting strategies

Different betting types | Horse Racing Australia

Run your trades like a business, and build a watchlist, not a single winner

My city has been cut off from the world and overrun with monsters. I have a set of rules to stay alive. Ignoring Rule #5 and being a raging dumbass almost got me killed. Like, more than usual