The Lightning Thief=TLT Sea of Monsters=SOM The Titan’s Curse=TTC Battle of the Labyrinth=BOTL The Last Olympian=TLO The Singer of Apollo=TSOA The Sword of Hades=TSOH The Stolen Chariot=TSC The staff of Hermes=TSH The demigod diaries=TDD The Diary of Luke Castellan=DOLC The Lost Hero=TLH The Son of Neptune=SON The Mark of Athena=MOA The House of Hades=HOH The Blood of Olympus=BOO Demigods of Olympus: An Interactive Adventure=DOA The Son of Sobek=SOS The Staff of Serapis=TSOS The Crown of Ptolemy=COP The Hidden Oracle=THO The Tyrant’s Tomb=TTT Percy Jackson Greek Gods=GG Percy Jackson Greek Heroes=GH
Anaklusmos/riptide is a 3 ft long sword with a leaf shaped blade. Made of celestial bronze that harms the divine and monstrous beings of the world along with mortals if the mortal is important enough such as Setne and Carter Kane, and it can even cut down ghouls and ghosts. It’s disguised as a pen that always returns to him and durable enough to survive full submersion in lava
The mist is the uppermost layer of the Duat which is the realm of magic. It’s the reason mortals don’t see anything out of the ordinary when dealing with the magical. Someone who can control it can alter memories, appearances, summon weapons, make creatures to fight for you, hide objects even if they’re directly in-front of you, create illusions, and teleport. Though he’s not very good at it Percy has shown the ability to make small illusions and hide in plain sight
Important to note that- while using his powers does drain him over time, the amount he's drained is pretty overstated. His storm powers are the only ones that drain him, in the way that he'll feel physically tired from it, but being to able to use his water powers at a high level is never affected especially considering his best feat occured after prolonged use of his storm powers.
In The Lost Hero two Pegasus’ carrying a chariot and five people flew form the Grand Canyon to Long Island at super speeds TLH ch.3 https://textuploader.com/1g2o0
The Heartache Casino had been trashed. A mixture of water and soda syrup seemed to leak out of most of the machinery, the vast majority of screens in the building had been slashed open, and the air was hazy with smoke. It was almost unbearably hot due to the air conditioning having been down for quite a while. Over all of the damage and chaos stood Peter Bequasimodo, Markus having been forcibly escorted out by security at what the hacktivist had thought to be the deadline for some horrible event. Treagon was pretty sure the fish guy wasn’t the one who had lured him here, but by all means, it seemed the only disaster that had come of this place had been what they did to it. As casino patrons continued to stream out of the front doors and employees frantically ran around, Peter noticed a garish gold mess in the shape of a thin, middle-aged white dude approaching him from the VIP stairs. He was sharp-faced and red-eyed, with neat but longish black hair, wearing a gold-yellow checker-patterned suit over white, and everything about the way he carried himself suggested that he was the kind of guy who wouldn’t go anywhere unless he were the constant center of attention. He looked like he wasn’t hot at all, despite what had happened to the air systems (maybe they had a separate one upstairs..?), and carried under his arm a sort of envelope, clapping as he did. “Well done, Treagon, well done… That was absolute chaos, and my premiums are probably gonna go up, but hell, my guests loved the show, and that’s what really matters, yeah?” He held out his hand. “Tigran Sins, ‘Golden’ to friends, owner of this place you trashed, and you, I think, could make a wonderful friend.” Peter raised an eye and looked over him, realizing what had come as a woman dressed like some kind of pirate was also forcibly escorted from the upstairs and tossed out on the streets, shouting all the while, “my best customer fucking ruined meeeeeeee!” For some reason, Peter presumed that may have been who that fish guy was trying to flush out, but paid it no mind. Tigran rolled his eyes, chuckling and brushing her off. “I swear, upstarts get a taste of the good life, and then they always do this as soon as it all comes crashing down. Never gets old…” He sighed with some amusement, then moved to pull free the envelope. “Anyway, I have something one of my clients has asked to give to the w-” A fist connected with the casino owner’s face, which quickly turned into a grasp at his hair, yanking him down to knee him into the dirtied floor, Peter following through by smoothly dusting off the new letter. “Endangering your customers and screwing with me to entertain a bunch of high-rollers while you sit in comfort and laugh at their misfortunes… You’re my least favorite kind of scumbag.” “My face! My faaace!” Covering it and panicking, the owner ran away in alarm, and now it was Peter’s turn to give security the slip. When he was somewhere safer, he carefully opened the unmarked, finely-sealed envelope’s contents, finding the quality of the writing to be the same as the last, but this time, rather than an unsigned threat, the handwritten note had been much stranger, most curiously reading at the bottom: For the Institute, Oh No Enjoy M2? Looking forward to M4 and beyond? In the meantime, when this goes live, you still have over a day to vote in M3, the bout featuring an Octopus-headed youth, a thief, a shapeshifter, and a child who controls ants, all duking it out over weird gross fish. Scenario: Downtown Los Fortuna - North Island: Within Sight of the Waterfront statues, Triskele and Cocytus. Not quite evening. The streets were busier than usual in the area for a variety of reasons. Roadwork was underway in more convenient places, for one thing. For another, people had been curious about a plane which performed a miracle landing just up North, and a local small-time reporter was trying yet again to cover some facets of the incident and reach another fleeting effort towards a big break, workers all the while meanwhile toiling to fish the plane out from between two art installations. Thirdly, and most significantly, an old man was delivering a speech before a canal dock, the campaign van he stood atop flanked by two large and unfurled Los Fortuna flags and a private security detail. This man was Wedding March, and despite being a somewhat overweight, balding, middle-height man whose well-tailored white suit was soaked in sweat from the day’s sun, any who paid local politics attention could identify him as the chairman of the Los Fortuna Metropolitan Council -- little more than a ceremonial upgrade over a standard councilor position on paper, but becoming the popularly-elected face of the city council had perks of its own nonetheless. “My fellow citizens of Los Fortuna,” March began, a certain commanding aura to the way he articulated, gestured, and generally carried himself, “we are living in interesting times once more, I am afraid to say. In recent months, all number of bizarre crimes have surged to a greater extent than ever before, and once again, it is only the efforts of the ordinary heroes of this city that have kept us from collapsing… This Metropolis’ wonderful police force, its defense forces, from the volunteer organizations of Aurelio to the men and women of Valkyrie, yes, but also, our rescue workers, doctors, the journalists who keep people like me honest, never letting me have a wink of sleep…” The crowd which had gathered around him laughed at that final point, March giving a self-deprecating smile. From there, he segued into further praise. “And too many other persons to possibly list! Yet in the strange incidents of this city, the danger these persons face is unique as well! A dear friend of mine, one who drew the very flags I stand for, who thirty years ago aided this city in its hour of tragedy even as he mourned his flesh and blood, said that in times like these, the people need more than ever to know that there is a place to simply be good, to be inspiring, to be forthright and demonstrate agency! You may be quiet, Los Fortuna, but I can hear you calling! I will work myself to an early grave if it means my fellow councilors and I can do right by the safety and comfort every last one of you deserves!” The man continued postulating about the safety of the city, and the crowd didn’t seem to be processing all of it, yet they cheered anyway when he paused or gestured to. It all felt so smotheringly fake to Jacob Brown, having gotten curious about the crowd while on a stroll through the city, having before then been idly people-watching. You use his name like a tool to make the people cheer… You say you were friends, but I sure never heard him talk about you! I think you might be lying and lying and peppering in platitudes, just like every other politician, Councilor! For a brief, flashing moment, Jacob called the semi-tangible form of ‘Megalo Strike Back,’ only to stop himself, remembering. “You all seem a good lot, creative, constructive, well of intent, so I must ask you all personally... Help me make this inevitable into something that is not a tragedy, when the time comes." That Andrew Tiffany had asked that of them all, and Jacob had promised his help with all the rest. He had seemed so happy, so relieved, to know that he had allies in this fool’s errand of his, and even though he was dead, Jacob Brown was never one to defy a promise. The speaker would live, and Megalo Strike Back would recede. Still, to calm his nerves, he walked away, trying to deftly make his way somewhere away from all the lies. Maybe he could find his fun for the day somewhere quieter. In an alleyway, South of the rally… Richard Stone was thinking to himself, having had much the same people-watching plans as a youth not half his age, though his walk was a shorter one, himself more winded by what had come, not to mention what had distracted him. This Downtown in particular, it had interested him… He remembered the words of that young woman who spoke of the place, how apparently it had once been devastated by an earthquake, and then from there rebuilt… A bit of a museum trek confirmed as such to him, too. Was this, then, the history of the city’s canals? It truly was amazing, the decades of stories that could be told by just walking around. There were a lot of police in the area, and earlier, a man had been trying to avoid them, but also looking quite nervous in his own right… He’d a feeling that he should paint the man, perhaps, but he had only seen him briefly enough to get a quick sketch, and had since become preoccupied by searching for that guy, whatever trouble he had gotten up to, instead of checking out that rally up by the water. It was a pretty damn nice drawing for a sketch of a man at a glance, by any standards bar Richard’s own. All this going around looking for some guy… I really need to do more cardio. At least it’s an absolutely lovely day, and being this far from that district locals call ‘The Earth,’ I’m bound to find some excitement just by walking around a bit! And if it’s the wrong kind, it’s nothing that my ‘Heavens’ can’t get me out of! Not long after expressing that, Richard did, in fact, find some company; a teenager, by the looks of things, had entered the alley, looking as though he were hurriedly shuffling away from something. “Good day!” Richard spoke, waving at the youth with a raised hand. Already, he could see dark energies from this young man, but this was hardly something to phase him, simply standing where he was, holding onto what he was. “You don’t happen to have seen a man who looks vaguely like this, have you?” As he held out his sketch, the newcomer gave him a curious look, then began to close the distance between them quickly. Stopping a few meters away, then, he looked at the thing, then at the man, shaking his head. “I’m afraid not… Would this be a friend of yours?” Richard shook his head, which seemed to satisfy the boy. “No, a complete stranger… He caught my eye, as people do sometimes. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but there’s many people with strange abilities in this place, and I’ve developed, I think, a knack for feeling out where they’re active. I was hoping to track him down and paint him.” “Most of our kind don’t speak so bluntly about Stands like that with total strangers,” this kid said, cutting through all the slight inclinations that he might be somewhat normal, then smiling, getting a little closer. “Someone with that layer of fearless honesty has some respect from me… You may not be so bad, Mister…” “Stone,” he answered, “Richard Stone. I just wasn’t sure if you were one as well, so I didn’t want to confuse you, but I can see that’s not necessary! Tell me, though, what’s your name, since you now have mine?” “Jacob Brown… I’m new here, you could say, and so I was people-watching… Happened to make my way here when the lies of that councilman became too much to bear.” The boy retracted a bit, then held his hands behind his back… Richard could tell he was up to something. “Tell me, though, Richard, do you think it’s dangerous to accost strangers in alleys?” “I’ve been told,” he answered, “but sometimes, that’s where you meet the most interesting people, and I won’t flinch from that… Not all of the best stories parade through the streets, yeah?” “I understand, and agree completely! That said, a fair warning, Richard, since you seem alright… you caught me in a really bad mood, and I just want to rip something open!” Like that, he leapt forward, a knife now in his hands, bringing it with alarming speed towards his conversational partner. Richard, to his end… Simply stood and watched, and then, just before the blade could contact skin, stopped itself, Jacob pulling back and tilting his head. “You really aren’t afraid at all, then… Didn’t try to get away, nor summon up your own Stand to stop me.” “You like to unnerve people and see how they react, is that it?” Richard asked, his answer implying the point of his inaction. “You’re honest, to a fault… If you were going through the trouble of announcing your bloodlust like that, I think you’d have told me you meant to gut me like a fish, or something else flavorful like that. Yet all you said was you wanted to do that to something. Not a lie, but a test. And lucky thing, too… If you’d actually meant to kill me, Jacob, right now you would certainly be dead.” Jacob Brown started cracking up, then, hand moving to his forehead as he laughed and laughed, in a better mood than he had been since hearing that infernal speech. “You’re good… You really are good, Richard Stone! If you had recoiled or tried to run, acted afraid, that wouldn’t have reflected very well on your claimed interests in all kinds of people, and then maybe you would have become the ‘something’ after all. Talking to you has put me in such a better mood already… Is there some way I can repay you?” “One,” Richard said, producing his art supplies once again with a nod, looking over his form. “Let me paint you?” Not much later, that same day, that same alley… The two fast acquaintances, not yet aware that they would soon come to blows, had a good time simply talking as the drawing ensued, and there was much to talk about… Both had quite dark, storied histories, and though both did value being forthright, some of what they got into utterly forbade it in function. It was nice, then, to frankly discuss matters such as the taking of lives and witnessing of violent, gruesome scenes. All good things were bound to come to an end, though, as not long after the drawing had been complete, the hand of fate tossed with all its might something which would surely come between their new bond. A violent crashing sound, followed by a mess of crimson liquid dancing in the air, surrounding the slumped, launching form of a man’s body, a flickering humanoid figure trying and failing to grasp at anything and everything before fading from existence, even Richard not quite able to make out what the mysterious person’s Stand was. Before either person could process anything, this anonymous Stand User had entered their eyesight by smashing headfirst against the brick wall of the alley directly between where they were standing. “That’s…” Richard raised an eyebrow, noting the outfit and hair of what was once a man before them, now cut to shit and crushed up to boot. “I’m sure of it, that’s the man I was trying to follow.” “Well,” Jacob said, moving to ineffectually, almost tongue-in-cheekily check the corpse’s pulse. “You’ve found him, I suppose. Might not be as easy to paint his face now, but…” He leaned in hard, squinting before pulling away. “The resemblance of your sketch seems to have been uncanny to what his face might have looked like unsmashed!” “I’ll have to remember him, then… When I see a Stand User die, you know, I can always paint them perfectly from memory.” Their conversation was interrupted by the chatter of a man on a radio, “yeah, got two men in an alleyway, right in front of a John Doe. Now approaching, over.” “Oh…” Jacob said, slightly disappointed, “the police are here.” “Looks like it,” Richard answered in a whisper, “play it cool, yeah? ” Of course, both Richard and Jacob knew how horrible this looked right away, what with the officer drawing closer with a cold look on his lips, brow tensed and hands on his hips as he walked over to the scene, what he would be saying clear before he even came close. Jacob, for a moment, was glanced at by the man, before he turned his head to Richard, getting closer to him. “Would either of you mind answering some questions for me?” “Certainly, officer,” Jacob said, already feeling exhausted, “what about? Social studies? Pre-calculus? Ooh, I was always graded well in physical education, would that help?” “You know that’s not what I meant…” That, then, earned an eyebrow raising from him, his tone growing concerned, rather than frustrated as he looked at Jacob and pointed at Richard. “Is he threatening you not to answer or something? You can trust me, young man, it’s like Councilor March said… It’s not just all these security companies, or those college boys in their ivory tower, or that fuckin’ Black Angel; police officers like me are doing our part too, and I say we’re doing the biggest part of all!” That put Jacob in a bad mood, and Richard, noticing his new friend stiffen up, opted wisely to take over, “if I may, officer, I assure you this body literally just flew in out of nowhere while my friend and I were just talking here. We’re as confused as you are about this whole-” “You expect me to believe that? Don’t make fun of me! North Island PD aren’t stupid, buddy!” Suddenly, the officer seized Richard’s hand, hard enough to actually make the weak older man wince, dropping the canvas upon which had been the sketch of the dead man - and immediately, the officer caught that. “If you’re not gonna cooperate, we’ll just have to bring you to the station and hear what you really know!” And then, he held up the sketch of this person, glancing at it and chuckling, looking at the corpse. “Not a bad resemblance at all… You’re a half-decent artist, but a damned shitty liar. That’s settled now, you’re coming with me.” The officer, then, dropped the canvas before reaching down for his handcuffs, occupied hand loosening in its grip on Richard without his notice, only for him to realize as he brought his arm back up that it wasn’t holding them… And that both of his wrists ended in grotesquely bleeding stumps, both of what they once connected to dropping uselessly to the floor. Turning, slowly, in too much shock as he held up his stumps, he looked towards the boy off to the side, grinning with his mouth but looking at him with utter malice, hand formed as if it was holding something, but nothing appearing visible in the officer’s eyes. “That’s not a term to toss around lightly, officer… I was in a wonderful mood until you went and ruined it, you know!” Jacob’s grin grew wider, then, and he stepped again and again on the lifeless fingers of the severed hand, the officer hearing them crack apart. There was almost a quality of laughter in his voice. “So run away now, little piggy, while I satisfy myself with this! This is one hundred percent your fault, you know, for trying to arrest an innocent man for telling the whole truth!” Finally, the pain registered, and as he turned and ran with a look of utter inelegance, the officer screamed pathetically and bolted away, his expensive blue pants moist with an absolute sign of his fear as he tried and failed, again and again, to radio for help. “I, uh… Appreciate the save.” Richard sighed, relieved on one hand, but otherwise, frowning with further thoughts as he picked up his canvases. “We need to get out of here, though… He’ll get help eventually, and then we are in serious trouble.” “I concur… This way!” The nearby streets, minutes later… Jacob and Richard ran off, but sirens wailed in the distance, and both could see it with utter certainty… The officers in the area had been looking for an excuse to flex on someone, they had been in the wrong place at the wrong time, and now, the situation had escalated even further. Panting to catch their breaths, Richard looked to the younger criminal, speaking quite frankly to him. “You know, Jacob… There’s no way the cops are gonna stop until they have someone to pin this crime on, and we just gave them all the reason to make it one of us on a silver platter. There’s no reason for both of us to go down.” “Yes I agree,” Jacob answered, bouncing from foot to foot, looking around, “much as I’ve enjoyed our chat, and don’t at all regret helping you back there, I don’t intend to actually go to jail for your sake. There’s far too much police could find if they looked into me, and I’ve made a promise to someone which would be in danger if I were ever in that hot water.” “So we’re on the same page, then… I have every intent of being the one of us who walks away from this, even if it means they take you in. No hard feelings, yeah?” Jacob, again, found the situation amusing, seeming to agree if only for the sheer honesty of saying that… It isn’t a deception or a betrayal if they totally understand where they are. “No hard feelings… If you survive this, though, I might save you a second time after all! I have connections at the Academy, yes, and I’m sure they won’t abide by an innocent Stand User facing charges, no! So try to live, and may the best man win!” Without another word, Jacob bolted off, then, leaving Richard standing there, stretching, and shaking his head with bemusement. “‘If I survive this…’ This a game to him?” A sigh, shaking his head, then followed. “What a kid… Alright, then! Not gonna let myself get shown up here! I’ve been through worse scrapes than this before he was even alive, so it’s time to show him how it’s done!” Open the Game! Location: The streets in Downtown Los Fortuna’s north island. Fleeing from the police has forced the players away from all the art and history towards one of its more… Commercial subsections. The area is shown here with each tile being 7.5 by 7.5 meters with a total length of 90 meters and width of 150 meters. The dark grey are each two lane roads, cars are parked and driving as normal here at around 30 miles per hour and the crosswalks are denoted by double white lines. The arrows show the direction of traffic. The players are represented by their respective tokens on the center crosswalks with Richard on the left and Jacob on the right side of the map. The yellow circles represent cops, which focus on the character to whom they are closer in proximity. Though not marked on the map, there is steady foot traffic through the area and a regular flow of motorists, miraculously not killing anybody. At the start of the match, the flow of motor traffic is cutting the police off from the players’ initial positions. The cream-colored tiles surrounding sets of buildings are sidewalks with general foot traffic, but not too busy. The inner light grey tiles are alleyways with the rectangles around them being various buildings or lots. The Orange rectangles (labeled “R”) are restaurants, the Blue rectangles are convenience stores (“C”), the Red rectangles (“F”) are fast food places, and the Grey rectangles are empty concrete lots that are fenced off by 2.5 meter tall fences (“L). The doors to each building are denoted by the yellow rectangles and the doors that lead to the alleyways are locked from the outside. All of the above are currently open, and the things one might expect to find within them are, indeed, generally all there. They’re a little bit crowded in all of their cases, minus the empty lots, but easy enough for anyone to navigate. The paths from the sidewalk to the alleyways are blocked by 2.5 meter fences that are denoted by the bolded lines. The top center area is a parking lot with the magenta being the entrance and the purple rectangles being the cars. The bottom center is a grassy park with trees denoted by the green circles. Goal: Do not get caught by the police! The player that gets caught by the police first will be charged with Resisting Arrest, with more charges to come as the officers think them up, getting Retired as a result. Until one of them is, the police will literally stop at nothing to make it happen. No tactic is outright off-limits, but every possible course of action will have immediate consequences on the behavior of NPCs towards both characters. See below for details. Additional Information: Though it’s possible to leave any side of the map, these city streets all look so similar in this unfamiliar place… You get turned around way too easily! The map will effectively loop, in short. If you leave from the left side, like in a game of ‘Pac Man,’ you will find yourself on the right side, and so on. No NPC is capable of understanding or exploiting this phenomenon. None of the police officers involved in this match are Stand Users, nor can they see Stand phenomena unless it’s a case where everyone can anyway. The cops have 333 physicals, 3 in Cop (a competent enough but not particularly great shot with a standard-issue handgun, reasonably physically acute, can generally press civilians into showing them where they want to go), 5 in Slighted; basically, these guys are tenacious to a fault and will chase after players, but are also somewhat overconfident in their ability to handle this. They are armed with a baton, taser and pistol, and have hand-cuffs and a radio on their belt. Police will chase the players they are following as best they can, and will not take their focus off their pursuit until someone they can arrest is sitting in police custody… In which case they will literally just sort of drop it instantly to focus on keeping him that way. Officers will start off completely clueless to how both of you operate, but gradually learn the tactics of the player characters as the match goes on, so mixing up methods is important for outlasting them on a long-term basis. The cops will not fire their guns on players unless they have a clear shot, and players have tried attacking them or committed any violent crimes during the match; that one dickhead in the writeup was a freebie. That said, the more aggressive players get with them, the more aggressive in turn the already disproportionate response will grow. The longer the match goes on, the more cops will be chasing after each player; with each 5 minutes, a new cop will be on each player’s trail. One will also appear immediately from the opposite side of the map from the player if an officer is ever slain. The civilians (222s with no relevant skills) will usually give you away to the cops if they know what direction you went or where you generally are, but being as indifferent as the average JoJo civilian, they need to be questioned for this to trigger. Once 30 minutes have passed, each player will have a police helicopter begin to focus on them, relaying the player’s location information to the other cops if they can find them. If a player seems to be moving too quickly for cops to pin down, they will start coming in cop cars to chase them.
“Go ahead, shoot me! But prepare yourself; the moment you pull that trigger, I’m going to break your finger like a matchstick!” These officers are really quite vexing, and you need to vent more. While completing your objective, find creative ways to antagonize your pursuers!
“Hm? You think I’m just running around not knowing where I’m going? I ran here so I can kill you!” These damned cops may have ruined your day and forced you out of one of the cooler parts of North Island, but you still have a day to seize. Make the most you can out of the places you visit on the map in your strategy!
Link to the Official Player Spreadsheet Link to Match Schedule As always, if you would like to interact with the tournament community and be among the first to get updates for the tournament, please feel free to PM a member of our Judge staff for an invite to our Official Discord Server!
Went on a road trip with a friend, was left stranded 1000 miles in
Real quick backstory. I (23M) am out of college and finished first year of working as a school teacher. My friend who was figuring stuff out in his life also found himself becoming a school teacher as well. I am taking more college courses this summer for future goals when I get a call from him asking if I want to go on a road trip. I declined at first because I was taking 8 hours, 2 science courses, for the month of June. He insists and I said what the heck why not but I did make it clear that my studies come first because I didn't pay $1000+ for nothing. The time comes and we're off! I get to his place since we're taking his car and we catch up since we haven't seen each other a little over a year. I've always known that he's a little awkward in certain social situations but hey so am I, that's more reason why we get along really well. We wait out a storm that was going to hit our first destination, Louisiana, since we were starting from Texas. We sleep at his place that night when I ask for a blanket or pillow or anything to crash on the couch. He looks at me plainly and says he doesn't have anything then proceeds not to make any arrangements and leaves me to fend for myself. I go to buy a blanket at Wal-Mart nearby thinking dang that was fing rude but I let it go because life's like that I guess. Next day comes and we go get breakfast which I was looking forward to since I haven't had a real breakfast in ages! Food comes our way and we get to conversation with decent food and coffee. About 20 minutes in we start talking about our plans for the future with everything that's happened in our lives. I tell him more about the classes I'm taking and what they're for. (I'll keep certain details unsaid to provide anonymity). He looks at me plainly and says, "Frankly, I think you're making a big mistake and I think you should drop them so you can really enjoy this trip with me and be in the moment." I'm thrown off quite a bit and tell him don't worry about it since it's not your problem. He insists and becomes adamant that I should do what he says. Again I tell him to let it go. I've heard he does weird things like this from other friends but I finally knew what they meant firsthand. After he tells me a third time to really consider what he's saying I tell him with a stern voice, "Dude, if you weren't my friend, I'd tell you to shut the F up." His face changed and he let it go. A few minutes pass with the subject changing and we continued our day. That was my first sign of more to come. Day 2 comes next and we actually start the road part of our road trip. It was a decent set up. He drives big stretches so I can do homework and I drive small stretches when we're in the city. We get to Louisiana to pass through and visit some of my family actually. I got to catch up with my cousin and her husband and my friend got to know her a little bit too. We had a great time and got to catch up late into the night. Next day comes and we're on our way to our next destination, Mississippi and specifically the casinos! An hour into the drive, my friend asks if I could give him my cousin's phone number so he could keep in touch. I found it a bit odd and I didn't really want to since he'll never see her again in his life. He insisted to get the number, keep in mind she's a married woman with her own life outside of Texas, our home state. I indirectly told him no saying I'll consider inviting him again if I ever come visit her. Hint: I was never really going to. That was the second sign of more to come. Day 3 continues and we get to the casinos. I've been gambling and I really enjoy it. Naturally, I want to share the experience with my friend but he says he has a migraine and decides he'll go check out a couple of places nearby while I play. We split up for a few hours to do our own thing which I found to be beneficial for both our psyches. Time apart is good for two people cooped in a car for several hours. After playing blackjack I found a coffeeshop to finish up some homework. We met back up to eat Vietnamese afterwards. We sit down to eat where a familiar situation occurs once more. A few minutes into conversation my friend asks about the white flakes left on the car seat where I was sitting. I look at him confused and think a bit. I look at him saying, "I'm sorry man. It must be my dandruff. It acts up with hot weather and I must've scratched my head on the way over." You would think that's a reasonable answer and he'd let it go. He tells me, "I've found it's better to say what I mean instead of holding it in so uh, dude that's just extremely disgusting. Can you not do that anymore?" I sit there dumbfounded starting to think what the F man. "Dude, that's incredibly rude. I have to deal with my dandruff everyday and I have medicated shampoos to fight against it." He replies, "Yeah, but it's still disgusting because that's the truth and I prefer saying the truth. Honestly man you have a problem with things that make you uncomfortable and we gotta work on that." I had never thought negative things about him or people in general for that matter but this changed things. Now I was thinking to myself, "What an AH." I tell him sternly, "Bro that's not what you tell people even it you think it's the truth. It's just plain rude." But there was no budge and he kept to what he said. After the meal I get back to the car and learned that those white flakes weren't even dandruff, they were pieces of paper dropped from a textbook I had. This was the third sign of more to come. Later that night we split up again and I had gotten so fed up with his childish S that I vented to my other close friend which helped tremendously. At one point I made a statement out loud, "You know if things don't get better or actually get worse, I'm willing to buy a plane ticket and fly home. I'm a grown man and I don't have to deal with this S." I say that but I knew in honesty I wanted to be there for my friend and not give up on him or the trip. Day 4 comes and it's crunch time for classwork. I have quizzes, and lab assignments, and exams up my butt. On top of that I have a meeting with faculty from work to get ready for the school year so I'm already feeling the stress of loss of time. I voice this to my friend and he is supportive. He drives while I do classwork. That was the selflessness I knew of him from our years in college. He takes a detour to a museum in Florida which I didn't mind, I was there for the ride not the destination. He goes in and buys tickets for both of us. He starts his tour but I had to wait and finish my faculty meeting and it's not like I could opt out early. Meeting finally ends and he's already finished with the museum. I'm bummed out I didn't get to do more with him but he wanted to head out and grab lunch anyways. At lunch he asks me to drive to our next spot in Florida. No problem for me, he did me a solid now I'll do my part. Three hours in I ask him to finish the drive since I had less than five hours to turn in three assignments! He does me another solid that day and I finished the assignments with time to spare for a late dinner! Truly could not have happened without him driving more that day! We head out to late dinner for some fancy restaurant seafood. We get seated with a cute waitress, bonus! I could tell my bud was looking to have a good time so I said what the heck, let's try a few drinks on me! He earned it after carrying more of the load today. I try a mojito and he gets a glass of wine, very uncommon for him. A few sips in and either he was actually drunk or he thought he was drunk but man he started letting loose. I took a hint and elected myself DD. Our appetizers come in and he's talking about whatever, I stopped listening a few minutes into his drunk rants. He brings up again how I'm too uptight and I let things bother me too easily. I ignore it and reach to scoop my chip in the fancy dip. He proceeds to grab the dip with his hand, like his whole palm and fingers, and slabs it onto his plate while laughing at the whole ordeal. "What the F dude! I was about to eat some of that!" He replies, "Haha, see bro this is what I mean! Dude it's just food, why do you get so uptight about it?" I'm Fing pissed but I bite my tongue since I know it wouldn't do any justice to argue with a drunk person. I make it a point in my mind to put this guy to bed while I go out and have a good time late night clubbing and that's exactly what I did. Nevertheless, sign number four had just presented itself that night. Day 5 comes and it's exam day, two exams in fact and I was studying like a madman. We leave Florida and head to Savannah, Georgia. This was a longer drive so he drove while I did homework. We get to the hotel late into the night and I was finally able to take the exams since I needed stable wifi. Exams start and he decides to get takeout, I was fine with anything as long as it was food. I'm laser focused on the exam with everything moving around me. Everything happening from this point on is subtle but holds an infinite amount of significance. My friend finishes eating but gets a little frustrated I'm still doing schoolwork. I ignore his frustration. I have to stay focused for a larger goal ahead of me. He leaves the room, where to I don't know. About a half hour passes and he walks back in the room where I hear, "What the F dude. I swear this is all you've been doing this entire trip. It's like you... ugh... never mind." He leaves the room again, to where I don't know but it was already 11:30pm so I don't know why he would leave. I assume he's really frustrated now but I still had to focus. Less than 15 until midnight I finish the exams! I grab a pillow, hug it tightly, and watch Doug Demuro car videos to destress everything that had pent up for the last 6-8 hours. I still hadn't let go of my laser focus on the computer screen but it was slowly easing away. My friend came back into the room except with the trash bag I kept in the car trunk for dirty laundry. I don't really process what's happening since my tunnel vision hasn't faded yet. He leaves another bag next to my suitcase then grabs his suitcase and leaves the room with it. Now I process his actions and think, "Man, he must be really frustrated to go get another room. Whatever, my classes are my responsibility and he should grown up instead of getting mad about it like a little kid." It is now 1am and I get a text. It's from my friend and it is the most F'ed up thing I've ever been sent. Here is the text in its entirety (edited for anonymity) You have a flight at 5:30pm tomorrow from Savannah to Texas. You have been a terrible friend this entire vacation. Each time I address it, you shoot me down with an excuse or you blame me for my behavior. I am sick and tired of it. I have already explained myself multiple times on the trip, yet you refuse to listen and get out of your head. This trip is over. You can access your flight via the text sent to your phone, or the email sent to your gmail. I placed $100 in the red HEB bag, along with a n95 mask for the airport. I am blocking your number, so you will not be able to contact me. Your car is located at my apartment at the address below. I suggest your Uber from the airport to this address, and climb the gate to get to your car. I am disappointed in you. Have a nice life. You bet I was cussing up a storm for the Fing Sty thing he did to me. The worst and best part of it all, I predicted this from the call I made a few days ago and I was HAPPY AND RELIEVED he peeled the band-aid off for me! With everything cut off, I could breathe and see clearly. I had an AH of what I thought was a friend and I was better off without him in my life. I call my dad and he is dumbfounded with everything I just told him. I call up my other close friend and he is at a loss for words. Eventually, things subsided and now I have to find my way home. I check my email for the flight and what do you know, he scheduled a cheap $120 flight... for a MONTH later. Not a flight for the upcoming weekend or week, a whole month! Either he was too emotional to check when he booked it or he's a worse person than I thought. I eventually get home and resume my normal life but with a new perspective on who my real friends are. It's only been two months since then and I haven't heard from the guy. I doubt he will reach out and apologize. I believe he still can't see what he did wrong. He could have at least made a mature decision to call off the trip by talking about it then us making the arrangements together. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Life goes on and I grew from the experience. :-) Everything about the trip becomes so vivid when I tell it and replay it in mind. There is more that happened from Georgia getting back to Texas but I guess I'll write a part two if anyone ever asks for it. Thanks for reading all the way through! Please share any thoughts, I'm willing to reply back to any questions! Take care and stay healthy!
Anaklusmos or riptide is a 3 ft long sword with a leaf shaped blade. Made of celestial bronze that harms the divine and monstrous beings of the world along with mortals if the mortal is important enough such as Setne and Carter Kane, and it can even cut down ghouls and ghosts. Back to riptide,it’s disguised as a pen and uncapping it releases the sword in half a second and was fine after submersion in lava
The mist is the uppermost layer of the Duat which is the realm of magic. It’s the reason mortals don’t see anything out of the ordinary when dealing with the magical. Someone who can control it can alter memories, appearances, summon weapons, make creatures to fight for you, hide objects even if they’re directly in-front of you, create illusions, and teleport. Though he’s not very good at it Percy has shown the ability to make small illusions and hide in plain sight
In The Lost Hero two Pegasus’ carrying a chariot and five people flew form the Grand Canyon to Long Island at super speeds TLH ch.3 https://textuploader.com/1g2o0
Gives the user invulnerability, increase fighting prowess, but one weak spot that can only be pierced, and even a nick is enough to kill and makes the use tired when not fighting.
Comedic and Original Books, A Mostly Scifi (and short) Recommendation List
Nobody asked, but I wanted to share some books I've read so here I am making my pitch for a couple I've come across. I don't think I've put much in the way of "spoilers" down in the descriptions since I go by the book's synopsis page and memory but some people like to fly in fully blind without even that so tread carefully if that's your style! (I'm sure I made some spelling errors down below but bare with me.) Are you tired of asking for a funny sci-fi book and getting recommended "The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy" yet again? Do you need to have some kick to that funny bone or maybe you want something not traditional, possibly something written years ago that kinda got forgotten about, a hidden gem in the sea of books you somehow managed to overlook? Well look no further because do I have a series of books for you! In my incessant, almost pathological, need to read, I've gone through a variety of books and such that I think should be shared publicly. So, here I go (in no particular order except the very first one):
Emperor Mollusk Vs. The Sinister Brainby A. Lee. Martinez: An evil overlord in the form of a squishy octopus in a robot suit has conquered the world! And now!!!...he’s bored. The tale begins with a conspiracy on his life! The Sinister Brain has finally risen and now for the first time in years a threat may have become his equal in challenge. With the help of a lizard from Venus and a venomous giant centipede- can he beat them? Can you afford to not find out? The best book in years, the most all-ages recommended book I have in existence. (My single, most recommended book on the whole list.)
Hard Luck Hankby Steven Campbell / A riproaring take of space and the self-proclaimed space thug thrown into it. I love this series and it’s one of two I constantly and consistently follow. So loved because it takes place in a space city over a period of hundreds of years. Through that time characters come and characters go, but Hank and the city remain as characteristic as ever. It’s great seeing the city change with the times and the characters, still ever as they are, forces to adapt and react.
Master of Formalitiesby Scott Meyer / Not every story needs guns and glory to win the day. Some, against all odds, use politics and rules to a means to an end. This is one of those extremely rare examples- an exciting political book about politik and the ruthlessness of it in rival societies with a fair sprinkling of humor drizzled in the cracks. The political thriller takes place in space with one prince from a rival nation being sent to the civilized other society. He’s, frankly, an absolute asshole little shit and his abrasive nature plays well against the formal, well kept Master of Formality as he works to keep his and everyone else’s shit together, including their own young prince.
Space Teamby Barry J Hutchinson / An admittedly annoying main character finds himself swept off into earth. But the first book isn’t the end of this story. It’s the beginning, as the writer gets all the kinks of writing out in the first book, he’s found himself in perfect stride with the tale of a space faring group of misfits going on adventures like a werewolf princess, a mentally bipolar cyborg, a green shapeshifting goo and a poorly piloting space woman all while being chased by space cannibals, evil empires, assassins and more. Every book is an adventure in the sincerest meaning of the word. The book series is the literary equivalent of candy.
Starship Griftersby Robert Kroese / You remember those covers about the 1950s style space adventures with ray guns and fishbowl helmets? Imagine if you wrote a comedy about a pathological swindler and that’s exactly what you get here. As he travels the galaxy with his robotic companion, his adventure kicks off when he “wins” a planet and a planet’s worth of debt at a card game in a space casino. If that’s not enough to get you started from page one I don’t know what is.
We are Legion (We Are Bob)by Dennis E. Taylor/ Poor Bob was minding his own business until BLERG, he’s dead. Finding himself awakened in the future with his brain pudding in a robot body, he’s sent out into the edge of the worlds as an explorer drone. Excitement and discovery are the venture. Recommended to those whole love the world of exploration.
Maybe you don't want a humor book? Maybe something more serious or maybe you're in the mood for darker themes, who knows- you do! So here's some other books I've come across outside the humor category that I rarely ever see mentioned, but sometimes I do, and I like them anyway, so here they are:
Armorby John Steakley: This science fiction novel takes place in a far off unspecified future against aliens, but that’s not the plot of it. The plot is the main character, thrust into the hell that is war in a shell of armor again and again.
Barsk: The Elephant Graveyardby Lawrence M. Schoen: An elephant is minding his own business, woodworking and enjoying life when suddenly- it’s time. His death has come, he can feel it. It’s an instinct that strikes every one of their kind eventually, and so, he begins his journey to the Elephant Graveyard.
The Hikeby Drew Magary: The most original book around is nothing more than a man on a hike. Just a hike. And a talking crab. And a giant locust. And a vampire and a giant and ships and hovercrafts and a conquistador and castles and prisons battle pits and- well. It’s a hike. Just a normal, everyday hike.
The Monstrumologistby Rick Yancey: A monster scientist, a monstrumologist. An old man recalls his account of growing up in journals and a doctor reads them to find an entirely unbelievable tale of a man who studies monsters. Not vampires, not werewolves. Monsters. An interesting gothic horror novel, rare for this modern era.
Atlas (1,2 and 3)by Isaac Hooke / Some guy crosses the border and gets an ultimatum in a pretty shitty future, join the military or go to murder-death-prison. Naturally, he chooses the option that lets him pilot giant robots. Serious themes of invasion, torture, loss and war abound. An impressive and respectable approach to serious themes.
Burning Midnightby Will McIntosh / One day, all over the world, mysterious orbs of various color appeared. Each one virtually indestructible but when two of the same color are held to your head, they give the holder a power. Sometimes you can skip better. Rare and powerful ones grant perfect memory, and so on. The rarer, the more powerful. And then Midnight appears, an unknown, unprecedented sphere. Found by nothing more remarkable than a regular, every day school student. A stand alone and complete story.
Mort(e) [A war with no Name]by Robert Repino/ The ants have invaded, the war we always expected but hoped would never happened has happened! A cat comes of age and sets off on a journey to find a dog he grew up with in the midst of a massive man vs. ant war.
Plus, some two of HELL, figured they merited their own mini-section, I enjoyed them:
God’s Demonby Wayne Barlowe / Hell. Brimstone, sulfur, fire, damnation. This is everything and more that the world Wayne Barlowe has rendered. A novel that takes everything in it seriously. This book is for those wishing to have an unrelenting look into unending torment and suffering. The tale begins, following a demon as they recall the account of their recent life. A setting where the smoldering "peace" of hell was broken when a single demon dared to pray to God. The world will fall to ruin, a ruin of ruins. A hell of hells. Strange is hell and stranger still- the demons were not the first one’s here. Abyssals and rare natives, pushed to the brink, lament their plight. All of this is illustrated in the separate book “Barlowe’s Inferno”. A rare book but all his works can be found online.
A Short Stay in Hellby Steven L. Peck / A man goes to hell. It’s not so bad, and not as hot as he’d expected. But it is hell. His job is to find a book in a massive library that perfectly describes his life. After that, he can go home. But it’s hell. Few books ever encompass the appreciation and attention to things that approach near infinity such as this book.
Fantasy/Other that fit either both or neither categories or something I'm too tired to sort properly, the rest of the stuff:
The Hikeby Drew Magary: The most original book around is about nothing more than a man on a hike. Just a hike. And a talking crab. And a giant locust. And a vampire and a giant and ships and hovercrafts and a conquistador and castles and prisons and battle pits and- well. It’s a hike. Just a normal, everyday hike. If you want something that feels "new" to anything else you've read- this is for you.
The Monstrumologistby Rick Yancey: A monster scientist, a monstrumologist. An old man recalls his account of growing up in journals and a doctor reads them to find an entirely unbelievable tale of a man who studies monsters. Not vampires, not werewolves. Monsters. An interesting gothic horror novel, rare for this modern era.
Steelheartby Brandon Sanderson / An original take on the superhero story. One day a big bright red star popped up in the sky and a bunch of people got superpowers. Consequently, they all became complete assholes. In this case it’s literally a case of “power corrupts” via unknown and evil means. The biggest dick on the block is “Steelheart” a flying jerkbag who rules over the now solid metal city with an iron fist. The main character has vowed to defeat the invincible man. Book one of three.
The Paper Magicianby Charlie N. Holmberg/ A young woman coming of age in the Victorian era finally heads off to a magical college to make her mark in society. She seeks to learn of metal magic but wouldn’t you know it, she’s stuck with paper magic. She makes the most of it but as it happens, evil forces dwell and abound. There’s talk of a flesh magician, who manipulated the matter of mankind as easily as her teacher folds paper. Their works are of blood and murder, without exception- and one has his eye on the young student’s teacher.
Critical Failuresby Robert Bevan / This book is difficult to describe other than “a bunch of freaking nitwits and assholes get sucked into a fantasty RPG after an even bigger nitwit/asshole sends them there with him as the all-powerful game master”. How do they get out? Well isn’t that the 6 books spanning question. Their amusing dickishness is matched only by their incompetence and the schadenfreude is rife and wonderful in this book. If you’re comfortable with early seasons of South Park, you’ll be completely fine reading this.
Rebel of the Sandsby Alwyn Hamilton / A rebel, and there’s sands. Sands, empires, mythical horses, magic, rifles, dust, elephants, palaces, thieves- an Arabian fantasy the likes of which one finds original, familiar and strange all at once.
Nice Dragons Finish Lastby Rachel Aaron / One day a dragon mother, absolutely pissed at her hatchling son, kicks him out to the curb. The nerve of him! He hasn’t even shown the slightest interest in burning down a village or eating a human. Some dragon. As it happens, that’s true, he’s some dragon, the only nice one in a species of draconic jerks. How he makes it in the futuristic Detroit is all up to him.
Railseaby China Mieville / All the world is covered in railroad. Built by forces unknown and now irrelevant. The rails compose perhaps millions of miles of combined length and the people are a kind of "sailor". They ride along the rail sea in trains as horrible beasts like the giant, great white mole rat chase them down. Strange omens, robots and the like abound. So sayeth the Railsea.
Working at a casino was not exactly #lifegoals. But it was better, I reflected, as I glanced down at my scratchy pink poodle skirt and ankle-grinding roller skates, than being a waitress at a Fifties theme restaurant. Anything is better than working at a theme restaurant. Believe me. If you hear ‘Fifties restaurant’ and start dreaming of Uma Thurman and John Travolta dancing with wild abandon, stop it. Tarantino lied to you. It’s just screaming children and drunk tourists, all the way down. Which was why, when my Friday morning shift in that hell finally ended, I shrugged back into street clothes and left for my interview at the Grand Imperial Casino with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. I’d hoped that by my twenty-fourth year of life, I’d be interviewing for something a bit more ambitious than blackjack dealer at the newest addition to the Las Vegas strip, but at this point I’d take what I got. The bus ride downtown was boring, so I’ll break here to introduce myself: my name is Mika. Well, technically, my name is Miguelita Hortensia Maria Francisca de Toledo Rosario Vasquez. But that’s too long even by Mexican standards, so go ahead and call me Mika Rosario, because that’s going to save us both a bunch of time. Yeah, you think YOU hate going to the DMV. Anyway, today was going to be my day. I’d traded shifts with one of the other girls who owed me a favor and put up with the desperately sad crowd that wanted to eat breakfast surrounded by bored actors dressed up like extras from Grease, because this afternoon was important. This afternoon was my ticket out of the world of waitressing, even if that ticket only took me a few blocks down the road. No more poodle skirts, no more roller skates, no more children competing to see who can snort a milkshake through their nose, no more teenage boys leering at my cleavage until their eyes fell out. I mean, I was applying to work at a casino, so I was pretty much just trading those teenage stares in for a whole new set, courtesy of a horde of middle-aged middle-managers in from the Midwest for a convention on midsize sedans, but at least it was a change. My boobs were looking forward to the variety. So, there I was, sitting in a massive ballroom at the Grand Imperial with about four hundred other people, waiting for my name to be called. It was a nice ballroom, if nothing else, with real white linens on the tables and carpet that didn’t look like they stole the design from a Dixie cup in 1997. It ought to be nice, though, since the newspapers claimed that this place had cost over a billion dollars just to build, never mind the cost of buying out land on the Strip. All the more reason to get my foot in the door here. If this Robbie Mo guy that came in from Macau to set up the Grand Imperial had that kind of money to throw around, then there had to be a way for me to work my way up through the ranks to where I’d get some real cash. And no more roller skates. “Me-gall-nita… Rose-mario?” The call came at last and I sprang up, smiling as broadly as I knew how and ignoring the way the guy with the list butchered my name. They could call me Mud, for all I cared, so long as they got me away from Big Donny’s Roller-Diner. The first few rounds of the mass interview were easy, to be honest. Out of all those hundreds of people massed in the ballroom, the Grand Imperial people eliminated three hundred with a simple test as to whether or not they even knew how to play blackjack, let alone deal professionally. Most of them, apparently, couldn’t even count to twenty-one. I breezed through that round, and the two that came after it. I’d been slinging blackjack since I was eight, when my dad first set me down and made me help him practice counting cards. Carlos Rosario was a ‘professional’ gambler. Professional, in the sense that it was the only plan he ever had to make money and support his family, and ‘professional’ in the sense that he lost more than anybody I’ve ever seen, no matter how he tried to cheat. Anyway, dealing was easy. I threw in a few flippy bits, flicking aces from one knuckle to the other before returning them to the shuffle, and dancing the spread back and forth before snapping cards out to my nonexistent players. It was simple stuff that any idiot could learn on YouTube, but the interviewers ate it up, whispering to each other like sixth-grade girls. It was round four when everything got weird. My first clue that I’d merged onto the highway to the crazy zone was when a man in a black suit asked me to follow him. He was tall and blond, super hot in a ‘my sense of humor was surgically replaced with a third fist’ kind of way, and he escorted me into an elevator made of mirrors without ever saying more than three words at a time. All the previous rounds of the interview had been held in partitioned temporary rooms on one side of that huge ballroom, but apparently those of us who made it to the final round got to see a nicer bit of the Grand Imperial. That was what I thought on the elevator ride, anyway. I had no idea exactly how nice the bit I’d be seeing was until I stepped off on the 50th floor and felt my jaw drop so far that it should’ve hit the floor. Gold. Enough gold to make the Pope blush, enough gold to buy out the king of Spain, enough gold to...I don’t even know. There was nothing I could think of buying, nothing that I could even IMAGINE, that required that much money. It was a lot of freaking gold. Hot Security Guy frog-marched me through Versailles 2.0 like we were walking down a blank concrete hallway instead of something out of Liberace’s nightmares, before plopping me down opposite the final interviewer. He was Asian, probably Chinese or Japanese extraction, middle-aged and friendly-looking, like his face naturally wanted to smile. Bit of gray at his temples, bit of extra padding at the belly, but it all seemed to suit him, like he’d been destined to be that way since he was born. Somebody’s kindly grandpa, except he wasn’t old enough yet. He didn’t say much as I ran through my dealing routine, which didn’t exactly make me happy. A bead of sweat ran down the back of my neck the moment I picked up the deck set on the desk between us, a bead that turned into a river, that turned into Niagara Falls by the time I was done. I pulled out a few extra tricks at the end, flashy little flips that I wouldn’t usually dare try with anybody watching, even palmed a joker into the deck and spun it out face-up, but it was like trying to get blood from a stone. Friendly Grandpa’s smile never so much as twitched, for good or bad. Finally, I couldn’t take it. “Look, that’s what I’ve got,” I vented, cascading the deck back together and slapping it down on the desk. “If you’re looking for more...frankly, I don’t know who the hell you’re looking for. Four rounds of interviews, for a job dealing blackjack? That’s just stupid.” Uh oh. There it went, then. My chance to bust out of the land of pink poodle skirts and greaser jackets. Great job, Mika; all you had to do was keep your mouth shut and flip the cards, but you had to let your temper get the best of you. Then the interviewer finally spoke. “Do you know who I am, Miss Rosario?” I gulped. “My new boss?” I suggested lamely, mustering up my best plucky smile. “My name is Mo Ka-Fai,” he informed me, as I felt my blood turn to ice. “Most people around here call me Robbie.” Robbie...Mo... Robbie Mo. ROBBIE FREAKING MO. AKA the guy who owned the casino I was sitting in, plus half of the Mirage and who knew how many more in Macau. The news hadn’t stopped talking about how stupid rich he was since they first broke ground on the Grand Imperial. “Oh,” I squeaked. So I hadn’t just mouthed off at my interviewer and tanked my chances of getting the dealer job, I’d insulted a man who could literally blackball me from the entire city of Las Vegas if he felt like it. That was bad. “Sorry.” “I didn’t tell you that to spook you, Miss Rosario,” Mo announced, a sentiment that did nothing to unfreeze my spine or untwist my stomach. “That wasn’t the point. The point was to let you know that you are dealing with the person who makes decisions. A serious person. Somebody who is not in the business of making jokes or playing pranks. Is that clear to you?” I nodded like a bobblehead doll. He wasn’t telling me to leave, at least. That had to mean I was still in the running for the job...right? “Good,” he continued. “Jason, bring in the kittens.” He gestured over my shoulder towards Hot Security Guy, as I felt my brow knit in confusion. Had he just said...kittens? What? Lo and behold, the kittens were...actual cats. HSG disappeared behind a side door, only to reappear a moment later with a cardboard box full of mewing little fluffballs in at least a dozen colors, two or three tiny heads peeking above the lip to see what was happening. The box was deposited at my feet, whereupon two dozen curious eyes blinked up at me. “Um,” I managed, my eyebrows raised so far I felt like they were going to get lost in my hair. “What?” “Close your eyes and pick a kitten, please,” Mo requested. I just stared at him. “I am aware that it sounds absurd, Miss Rosario. But this will all make sense in a moment, if things are as I suspect.” I stared at him for another long moment, then shrugged. I liked cats just fine, and he still seemed to be considering me for the job, so...why not? Eyes closed tight, I leaned down and worked my hands into the pile of kittens. A few nips and playful scratches later, I managed to snag one of the fluffy little things and lift it up away from its siblings. I opened my eyes to see a pure black fuzzball sitting in my palms, staring at me with eyes as gold as the extravagant walls. He blinked a few times, looking around to see where the rest of his family had gone, then curled up with his tail over his eyes. Mo breathed in sharply, and whispered something in a language I didn’t know, eyes widening. “Black,” murmured Hot Security Guy. “It’s black.” “Yeah, I guess so,” I replied, exploring new depths of confusion. “Here, you want to hold him?” HSG backed away like I’d offered to shoot him in the kneecap. “N-no!” he yelped, then cleared his throat. “I mean, no thank you, Miss Rosario. Please continue the interview.” “The straws,” hissed Mo, as I turned back to him. “Bring the straws!” Jumping like he was scalded, HSG disappeared back into the side room and came back with a large, blue porcelain vase bristling with...were those drinking straws? They were. Long red plastic straws, like the ones that you got at the movie theater Slushee machine, with a little spoon on the end so you could scoop up the ice bits. There were tons of them packed into the vase, so tight they barely even rustled as Hot Security Guy placed it next to the kittens. “There are one thousand straws in that vase,” Mo told me, as if that weren’t an utterly bizarre thing to say. “Each one has a number printed on the end, one to one thousand. Do you understand?” I nodded again, scratching the black kitten’s head absently. I was this far into what was comfortably the strangest job interview of my entire life, no point arguing over a vase full of straws. “Good. Choose one, and read me the number, please.” Dutifully, I shifted my new fuzzy friend into my left hand while I reached down with my right and wormed a nail into the forest of straws. It had to be some kind of eccentric rich guy thing, testing people with kittens and straws before he hired them, I decided. “Thirteen,” I recited, reading off the tiny black number punched into the end of my straw. Hot Security Guy literally backpedalled away from me, while Mo looked like he’d seen a ghost. “Thirteen?” he breathed. “Are you certain? Out of one thousand straws, you picked thirteen?” “Yep,” I confirmed, laying the straw on the table for him. “One-three. That makes thirteen to me.” The kitten in my hand started to stretch and mew, pawing for the top of the desk and obviously yearning to explore. I lifted him up and let him clamber out of my palm, since Mo seemed more interested in staring at the little number on the straw than actually interviewing me. The one percent is freaking weird. “Right, Miss Rosario,” Mo finally breathed, shaking himself away from inspecting the straw and seeming to collect himself. “Right. Yes. Thank you for bearing with us. I have one more test for you.” This time, instead of sending Hot Security Guy to fetch, he reached into the drawer of his desk and produced an finely carved set of ivory dice in a plush black velvet box. “Roll them, please.” I didn’t move. “I’d rather not,” I hedged. “I deal cards. I don’t gamble.” That was my rule. Ever since I was eleven, ever since I’d watched my father walk out of the house with all the money we’d saved for my mom’s chemo and come back with empty hands, that had been the rule. I don’t gamble. Ever. “I am not asking you to gamble, Miss Rosario,” Mo countered. “There is no money on the table. Just the dice. Roll them, please.” My jaw locked up and my fingernails bit into my palm, but I forced myself to reach for the dice. There was no way I was going to avoid ever touching a set, if I intended to work in a casino. And Mo was technically right; I wasn’t betting on anything and there was no money at stake, so it wouldn’t be gambling. Just a roll of the dice. Breath caught in my throat, I picked up the dice, shook them once, and then dropped them like a poisonous snake. A brief clatter, and then they came to rest, one pip glinting from each face. One and one. Snake eyes. “Two,” breathed HSG. “She rolled a two. She actually rolled a-!” “Quiet, Jason,” Mo snapped. “Again, if you please, Miss Rosario.” He collected the dice and passed them back across the desk to me. The corner of my lip twisted in distaste, but I nevertheless accepted them, shook, and cast. Two pips stared back at me. Snake eyes, just like before. “Again.” Take, shake, roll. Two pips. Snake eyes. “Okay, what the hell is going on?” I demanded. “First you make me go bobbing for kittens and pick out a Slushee straw, and now you’re making me roll a loaded pair of dice? Does this have anything to do with me dealing blackjack?” “The dice are not loaded,” Mo stated, grandfatherly smile all but gone, now. “Inspect them yourself. And then roll, again.” I retrieved the dice and rolled them through my fingers, weighing them against each other, and then froze. An electric tingle ran up my spine and down to my fingers, as I realized that Mo was on the level. I knew what trick dice felt like in my hand; my dad had made me test out the sets he carved in our garage. These were legit. Which meant… I rolled the dice, flinging them hard against the table. One spun like a top, fluttering about before finally tipping over with one pip to the sky. The other skated across the desk, nearly colliding with the adventuring kitten, and flew off onto the floor. Where it landed with one pip showing. Snake eyes. “Again.” Beginning to feel extremely freaked out, I did as Mo asked, taking a new pair of dice from him and casting them across the desk. Two pips. Snake eyes. “Again.” My hand shook all on its own this time, barely steady enough to hold both dice together. They toppled away from me, less a cast, and more a drop. It didn’t matter. Twp pips glinted in the light, reflecting the golden ornamentation. Snake eyes. “Again.” Again, and again, and again. Over and over, Mo made me roll the dice, and every time the result was the same: two pips. Twenty times in a row, I rolled snake eyes. Which was, mathematically speaking, almost impossible. “What the hell is going on?” I asked again, but this time I really, truly meant it. My voice was barely a squeak, choked by an iron bar lodged in my throat. “What does this mean?” “It means, Miss Rosario, that you are the unluckiest person alive.” I blinked. Even in the grip of an utter and complete confusion, I had enough of my mother’s pride left in me to be insulted. “Excuse me?” “Oh, I mean that very literally,” Mo said, standing up from his desk and sharply correcting his suit jacket. “You, Miguelita Hortensia Maria Francisca de Toledo Rosario Vasquez, are the most unlucky human being on the planet. And that makes you extremely dangerous.” “Dangerous?” I spluttered. “What do you mean, dangerous? How am I-?” “We do not have time for me to answer that question,” Mo interrupted, gesturing for her to stand. “Suffice it to say that there are those of us who play probability and odds like a musician plays his instrument. And we’ve been looking for you, Miss Rosario. Looking for you for quite some time.” I opened my mouth to demand more than that, or maybe to just sputter in wild confusion, but Mo steamrolled over me. “Jason, call ahead to the helipad and tell them to spin up the chopper,” he ordered tersely, glancing to Hot Security Guy. “I want to be wheels up in fifteen minutes. We need to go, now.” “Go?!” I snapped, finally untangling my tongue. “Go where?” “To meet with Lady Luck.”
2015 Offseason Review Series: Day 2 (Cleveland Browns)
Cleveland Browns
Division: AFC North
Intro
I don't think I need to pontificate too long one where the Cleveland Browns stand coming out of 2014. The Browns hit a promising 7-4 record after week 12, in spite of key injuries to Alex Mack and Jordan Cameron, with Josh Gordon suspended, and well-hyped rookie QB Johnny Manziel sitting on the bench. Most seasons, this would be considered a success of the new coaching staff and front office, and a sign that maybe the team was heading in the right direction for the first time in the Jimmy Haslam era, but things ended in a complete trainwreck by most accords: hometown hero QB Brian Hoyer wasn't playing up to snuff and would be benched for Manziel, who actually played worse. The lack of depth and internal drama within the coaching staff and front office became the headlines, and to make matters worse, Manziel would manage to find himself injured only 7 quarters into his football career during the Week 16 encounter against the Panthers. Cleveland slammed the brakes hard and ended with a 7-9 record, with more questions than answers about the state of the team and the front office than ever. Hell, for most of this offseason, people have genuinely been wondering if Cleveland wasn't going to go out of its way to draft a replacement QB for Johnny Manziel, who barely played 2 games. If that doesn't tell you all you need to know how rough this season ended… Having lived through awful regime after awful regime in the ownership (Randy "Aston Villa Enthusiast" Lerner), front office (Phil "How Much Can We Trade To Dallas" Savage, Carmen "Can't Wait to Go Back to Cali" Policy, and Mike "Worst Draft Gambler Of All Time" Holmgren), and the coaching staff (Butch "Arrogant Fuck" Davis, Romeo "Carl Winslow" Crennel, Eric "Mangina" Mangini, and Pat "Incompetent Shitbrick" Shurmur), all I'm hoping to get coming out of this offseason is a sign that things are on the right path for the first time in a while, and they may just be.
Coaching Changes
January 8, 2015: Offensive Coordinator Kyle Shanahan leaves the Cleveland Browns after disagreements with the front office.
January 9, 2015: QB’s coach Dowell Loggains is fired.
January 15, 2015: WR’s coach Mike McDaniel leaves the Browns in a mutual end.
January 21, 2015: The Browns hire John DeFilippo as the new Offensive Coordinator from Oakland.
January 28, 2015: The Browns hire Joker Phillips as the new WR coach, his first stint coaching in the NFL.
January 31, 2015: The Browns hire Kevin O’Connell as the new QB coach, his first stint coaching in the NFL
So the Browns had a busy January. >_> The issues with Kyle Shanahan and the Cleveland Browns became so prevalent near the end of his run that they nearly eclipsed the Manziel discussion (at least locally) during the 5-game losing streak to end the 2014 campaign. He clearly didn’t see what the front office saw in Johnny Manziel and there was a lack in synergy between him, Mike Pettine, and the decision makers. It was also clear that Dowell Loggains might have been a contributor to the problems, stemming all the way back to draft night rumors that he’d been texting Johnny Manziel about “wrecking this league”. The move was inevitable, but all things considered, the Browns went from young offensive minds to more young offensive minds in their replacements. While losing Shanahan’s “prodigal” offensive coaching ability hurt, gaining John DeFilippo, who had been instrumental in working with a young Mark Sanchez in his best season and seemed to have a positive early influence on Derek Carr, certainly softened the blow. DeFilippo fits with what Pettine wants in hard-nosed guys, and hopefully will be a catalyst towards some change on and off the field with this group. Adding Joker Phillips, who is seemingly eternally better suited as a coordinator, and Kevin O’Connell, who seems to be exclusively working to find young talent a QB, might have a set-up in Cleveland made for beyond 2016. It's not a sexy group of coaches, but they will be capable; inexperienced nevertheless, but still capable.
Free Agency
Coming off a mass coaching exodus on the offensive side of the ball, it's no surprise a lot of change in on-field personnel was coming this offseason as well:
Players Lost
Player
Position
New team
Brian Hoyer
QB
Texans
Jim Leonard
SS
Retired
Miles Austin
WR
Eagles
Jordan Cameron
TE
Dolphins
Ahtyba Rubin
DL
Seahawks
Jabaal Sheard
OLB
Patriots
Buster Skrine
CB
Jets
Paul McQuistan
OL
Released
Spencer Lanning
P
Buccaneers
Nick McDonald
OL
Released
Christian Yount
LS
Released
Major Losses: Brian Hoyer, Jordan Cameron, Ahtyba Rubin, Jabaal Sheard, Buster Skrine When you’re losing 5 freaking starters from 2014, it’s never a good thing. Brian Hoyer may have completely fallen apart in the second half of last season, but it’s become more and more difficult to determine where it was lost; was it coaching? Did Hoyer just go cold or was he never that good to begin with? Were we in love with the idea of him more than what he really was; a hometown boy who was peaking too quickly? Any way you dice it, after a dismal finish, Hoyer left, hopeful for greener pastures in Houston. When Hoyer had a healthy offensive line and was on point, he wasn't setting the world on fire, but looked capable enough to work as a system QB. Maybe he'll never go on to be more than a backup in the longer term, but with what limited time he had, Brian Hoyer, in spite of a 19-19 TD/INT line, was 10-6 as a starter, which by most counts is a playoff team. I don't think anyone wishes him ill, we just wish he'd been more 2013 Brian Hoyer. He would be followed out after a, frankly, confusing free agency mess over Pro Bowl TE Jordan Cameron, which involved Charles Clay ending up in Buffalo and Cameron turning around after an offer from Cleveland and signing with Miami the same day. I heard this entirely play out on the radio as our hosts seemed to have less of a clue than I did as to what was going on. Any way you dice it, Cameron's venture out to free agency was not a graceful exit, but Cameron was an excellent athletic target when he was healthy. He removes a big piece from the passing game and if Miami can tap into him and keep him on the field, he can be a top-tier TE. On the other side of the ball, some would argue that Ahtyba Rubin became disposable after a somewhat pedestrian 2014, only logging 28 tackles on what was considered a significantly poor defensive line, but Rubin was a leader on defense since 2008. The same could be said about Jabaal Sheard, who slipped a bit in production last year but was locked into an odd spot between Krueger and Mingo in the pass rush, is only 26 years old, and still has potential for success in New England; and the fact that he was rather active with the Cleveland fan base only makes it a tougher. Buster Skrine at any given time was the most beloved and most reviled CB in Cleveland Browns history, but he earned his keep in 2014 with a strong campaign in spite of young challengers at CB behind him. Minor losses: Jim Leonard, Spencer Lanning More than anything, Jim Leonard was a good dude, who was an impactful player on special teams, with a wealth of knowledge for younger players. But retirement comes to all. There are still some great veterans on this squad, but at the end of the day, solid support from well vested veterans does matter. I'll miss you forever, Spencer Lanning.
Players Added
Player
Position
Old team
Josh McCown
QB
Buccaneers
Brian Hartline
WR
Dolphins
Dwayne Bowe
WR
Chiefs
Tramon Williams
CB
Packers
Randy Starks
DL
Dolphins
Rob Housler
TE
Cardinals
Thad Lewis
QB
Texans, Bills, Browns, fuck, maybe Argonauts?
Andy Lee
P
Niners (Trade)
Major Additons: Tramon Williams, Randy Starks, Brian Hartline, Dwayne Bowe The Browns were sitting on a ton of draft picks and still had a lot of talent (when that talent decided to play...looking at you Justin Gilbert) from last year's draft. They needed to get younger while providing leadership on defense, and that's what two of these signings did. The other two were simply pick-ups that were by utter necessity. But there was still cap space to be shed by the Browns, and although they approached FA lightly (so as to accumulate compensatory picks in 2016) Tramon Williams got himself $21 million because if you're a CB, Mike Pettine wants you on his team. I believe we currently have brought 94 CB's to camp this year. But beyond Pettine's depth-in-the-secondary fetish, Williams is a solid cover-man who can help alongside Joe Haden to add veteran leadership to the motley crue of CB's. Yes, he's 32, and he did get a bit big of a pay-day, but at this point, if you want Pierre Desir, Justin Gilbert, and Ka'Waun Williams to reach their potential (that's not even counting the other 2 freaking CB's we drafted), you need more than Haden to get them there with Skrine departing. In the same vein, Randy Starks. Starks isn't going to set the world on fire on that defensive line, but he will likely not be asked to be the anchor with some other additions this offseason in the draft, and can provide guidance to the young players on a defensive line that was frankly...well, shit, and has been shit for any number of reasons for several years. Be it the health of the team or the lack of talent, stopping the run was a key point from this offseason, and the Browns actually took action to fix it. Rounding out the big pieces on the FA class, your 2011 fantasy WRs! Neither Dwayne Bowe nor Brian Hartline has been anything more than above-average in their long-term careers, and there's any number of things you could blame that on; poor QB's, poor coaching staffs and offensive schemes, or their own limited ability as WR’s, but both bring one thing Cleveland lacks; veteran targets. With the departure of Miles Austin and...well, something else we'll get to shortly, the Browns have no weapons for whoever ends up throwing the damn ball aside from slot guys like Andrew Hawkins and Taylor Gabriel. Even if the Browns get very little in the long term from either guy, they are going to be the Browns' receiving corps in 2015; and both have plenty to prove. Minor Additions: Josh McCown, Rob Housler, Andy Lee Let's be clear: the signing of Josh "It's Josh Fucking McCown, Do We Even Need a Nickname?" McCown was not because the Browns thought he was some incredible QB who could be the answer. He's 34, he's coming off an awful season, and I think we all know the McCown "career backup" legacy he and his brother Luke have created. Honestly, McCown is here to be a quiet backup. Although he may be called on to start a bit this season, he's not here to be the long-term QB. The Browns fielded him a bit extra money because of the cap room, but he's here as a very, very short bridge to either seeing what we have in Johnny Manziel or "Cardared Hackookiel" next year. And that's fine. I'm not a huge fan of it on the whole, but in that sense, it at least is rooted in some reason. Another injury-bugged TE in Rob Housler, Housler at least offers some hope of finding a target at the position for a team that lacks it. And he's only 27; he's still got a little time to get it right. The trade to the 49ers was an odd one (mainly because if I wanted a special teams player from San Francisco, it would be PHIL WE MISS YOU) but Andy Lee is a damn good punter who will do one thing; facilitate the defense. If the offense is struggling as it seems they may, Lee should be able to pin the opposing team deep in their own territory to allow the defense to try and make them make mistakes.
Draft
...wait, there was supposed to be an angry rant here. Where'd I put that? ....no. No fucking way. The Browns didn't completely muck up this draft?
Player
Round, Pick
Analysis
Danny Shelton, DT, Washington
1.12
The main commitment from the Browns this year was to fix the run D, and Feast Mode is here to do just that. Shelton is a big, BIG boy at 339lbs, and although most expect him to be a 2-down player, he's an animated, deceptively quick anchor NT who happened to do his workouts for the draft in a fucking lava lava. He then won the hearts of America when he attempted to hit Goodell with the belly-to-belly suplex. We already love this dude, his story is incredible, and I hope he becomes a fixture on the defensive line for years, maybe even as a 3-down player if his weight keeps in check. It's high time we got the D-Line right in the long term.
Cameron Erving, OL, Florida State
1.19
In the bar I was sitting in watching on draft night, almost everyone walked out when the Browns passed on Breshad Perriman. Perriman may turn out to be a fantastic WR, but this pick was honestly way smarter than Farmer's gotten credit for: One, it provides a safety net for if Alex Mack opts to leave Cleveland after this offseason, as Erving was a more than capable C at FSU. Two, it pushes Mitchell Schwartz and John "Get Pushed Back Seven Yards Every Play" Greco into competition on the right side of the line. If you aren't elite, shoring up the lines is never a bad idea, and this was an investment with not just 2015 but 2016 and beyond in mind. That's something you don't see in Cleveland often.
Nate Orchard, OLB, Utah
2.19
A theme of this draft was "Let's pass on Jaelen Strong and make JohnnyFire angry", but we made up for that getting a guy who was just an awesome fit. Orchard may have been a bit of a "one-year sensation", but he also fits exactly the character and play style that Pettine is looking for in the pass rush and will quickly make up for the loss of Jabaal Sheard, as well as pushing Mingo and Kruger to keep up. This seemed so obvious even dumb me was able to predict it on the /Browns contest this year.
Duke Johnson, RB, Miami
3.13
At this point in the draft I'd accepted the Browns were just not going to take a WR, especially since now all of the ones with any hype (aside from Sammie Coates) were well off the board. That said, Duke Johnson possess speed that Terrance "Instagram Failure" West lacks and escapability that Isaiah "Lunchables Enthusiast" Crowell lacks, and he can catch passes. Yes, the Browns maybe didn't need Duke Johnson, but who cares; if there's a special player available as the BPA, you get him, and if Johnson lives up to his potential, he could be a huge get for the Browns.
Xavier Cooper, DL, Washington State
3.32
Much was made post-draft of how heavily the Browns scouted the Pac-12, and this is true when they garnered (to some) the best two D-Line prospects in the conference. Cooper actually fits a bit more of the mold of Randy Starks, and although he is a raw talent, he'll have a great mentor and get time to develop. To sneak up and grab a second highly-touted piece to stop the run and improve the Front 7 was incredibly solid of this FO.
Ibraheim Campbell, SS, Northwestern
4.16
Oh hey, the guy I always grabbed using the First-Pick simulator to bump up my final score in the 4th round! Truth is that Donte Whitner isn't going to be around forever, and Campbell was a strong S prospect (albeit in a weak class) that could learn well from the veteran, and will contribute heavily on special teams with the loss of Jim Leonard.
Vince Mayle, WR, Washington State
4.24
Okay, Farmer, let's talk a moment. I love what you did with this draft. I really do. But this is the first WR you opt to take? Yeah, Mayle has prototypical size, and yeah, he could certainly be molded into a solid weapon due to his raw athleticism. But in order to get to this point, you left on the board Devante Parker, Breshad Perriman, Phillip Dorsett, Devin Smith, Dorial Green Beckham, Devin Funchess, Tyler Lockett, Jaelen Strong, Chris Conley, Sammie Coates, Ty Montgomery, Jamison Crowder and Justin Hardy. Many of those guys I honestly didn't even want, but this pick sadly reeked of just being too-little-too-late. But I'm gonna root for Super Smash Bros. Mayle and hope he develops quickly.
Charles Gaines, CB, Louisville
6.13
Mike Pettine has a fetish for CB’s, we know this. Gaines lacks a lot in size, and that's the main thing that kept him from getting over the hump, but working in the slot and using his speed, he could be beyond just a depth or special teams guy when called upon. An okay depth move all things considered.
Malcolm Johnson, TE/HB, Mississippi State
6.19
With the Browns going run-first in 2015, you need to get someone who can work better as a FB than...god, I can't even make a joke here because I can't remember the name of a Browns FB to save my life. Johnson will probably end up being asked to be an H-Back TE who could slot in at FB and help open lanes, or push forward.
Randall Tefler, TE, USC
6.22
Another Pac-12 find. I wasn't a huge fan on many TE's in the draft class, although I would've liked to see the Browns make an effort to get someone more dynamic. That said, Tefler is a solid blocker who will likely be used to add depth/replace Gary Barnidge or Jim "Forgot About" Dray in the blocker TE role. If nothing else, a low-risk depth move.
Hayes Pullard, ILB, USC
7.2
A very patient player who seemed to lack the killer instinct that other ILB prospects showed on the field, Pullard this late was a decent pick-up. He'll have a good mentor in Dansby and he can function well as a role-player and special teams guy.
Ifo Ekpre-Olomu, CB, Oregon
7.24
I was actually watching the pre-Kentucky Derby at a casino in Cleveland when this pick was made, and there was an audible "HOLY CRAP!" from so many people around when the pick was finalized. There will be a lot asked for Captain IEO (He needs to moonwalk for his touchdown pick-6 return celebrations while "Another Part of Me" plays, real talk.) to get back to full strength in 2016, but if Ifo manages to get back to there and meets his expectations, this secondary could be fucking insane. Haden, Williams, a ton of young talent, and a guy who would've been a first round pick if he'd come out one year earlier. There was no risk in this; this late in the draft, see if you can't find your next Richard Sherman.
The main thing we didn't touch in this draft was WR, and yes, that list from earlier is true. I would've liked to see us add a pure WR1 here, but the commitment was clearly to round out this defense, which is exactly what the FO did. It was almost refreshing; a draft that wasn't going for splash players, but was made as honest-to-god building blocks for 4-5 years down the line. Using foresight in a Cleveland Browns draft, who'd have thought that was fucking possible? Note: I also did a defending the draft piece which sums up most of what I said. Check out the whole series over at /NFL_Draft.
Other Offseason News That Affected The Team
...okay, fuck.
Johnny Rehab: Johnny Manziel basically hit the wall, and hit it hard, starting with a party on the Friday night before the season ending game in Baltimore, which resulted in a ton of drama and punishments for multiple members of the team. After every hot take that could ever be made about Manziel's ability to succeed and his potential dependency on the party life, Manziel finally checked into rehab on February 4th. I'm not sure where Manziel goes from this, honestly. Since his check out from rehab, he did have what seemed like a majonon-incident at a golf course, but he also left his party-enabling lavish apartment at "The 9" downtown to move to the suburbs, dropped the "Johnny Football" moniker, and by most accounts seems to be working his ass off after a first season that went absolutely off the rails. The Browns have dug themselves into a Manziel shaped hole, and 2015 is going to either tell us if Manziel can dig his own way out, both on and off the field, or just keep digging deeper until the Browns have to give up and try again in 2016. We'll see.
Text-gate-gate: Ray Farmer will be suspended for the first 4 games for sending texts down to the field discussing play calls. I'm conflicted, because it feels like Farmer is a good guy with an eye for late-round talent and UDFA's, who was jerked around in 2014 by Old Man Haslam. Was he doing Haslam’s stooge work here, or was he just passionate about righting the ship? Just...Ray, I like you for the most part. Please just stay out of trouble for 2015. I don't wanna turn over this organization yet.
Josh Gordon Suspended...Again: ..........sigh. Josh Gordon gets caught drinking on a plane after the regular season had ended during a trip to Vegas and gets tested upon landing. He didn't know he couldn't drink until the end of the entire season, and writes a passive aggressive letter about how he doesn't have a substance abuse problem and the entire team starts getting fingers pointed at, even drawing "Uncle" Phil Taylor into a response. Whether you think Gordon is an addict or not, it doesn't matter; he's been through the ringer and still doesn't fucking know better. If he's back in 2016 and can keep his moronic ass on the field, fantastic, because the Browns need him, but if not, this might be the end. Inevitably, he'll go win a Super Bowl somewhere else, we know this. But if you're trying to change the culture, you can't let this guy fuck up again, and they did. This many chances to play in the rules of the system he backed into on his own accord, it's frustrating to watch. He's got Megatron-level talent but his biggest enemy seems to be himself.
The new Browns, Same As the Old Browns: This year was Nike's rebranding for Cleveland, and things did not start well with the new logo, which was the same logo with a brighter gradient in spite of media hype and some internal push for how exciting the rebrand would be. It resulted in an insane amount of mockery early on as a result. Although the "brown was unchanged", the uniforms were not, and although the damn stripe that cuts off just before the shoulder pisses me off, they've grown on me a bit, so kudos on that much. Hopefully this is a catalyst to the culture change that front offices and fans in Cleveland have been dying for.
Projected Starting Lineup
Offense
QB: Josh McCown, followed by Johnny Manziel - Kind of hilarious that every pundit is suggesting that Josh McCown is being asked to be the long term starter for Cleveland as a 34 year old career backup, but I have a feeling that he'll be starting off the season. But at the end of the day, it's all down to Manziel to play this season. You must see what we have in this kid and take the good and the bad, because learning you have nothing is better than blindly hoping you have something. Or McCown. RB: Duke Johnson - If you read into camp, Duke Johnson has been playing his dick off. I think that the RB1 role is going to be fluid with Crow and West, but Duke's pass-catching ability might move him into a prominent role faster than expected. FB: Malcolm Johnson - We’ve got nobody else. WR1: Dwayne Bowe - Bowe is the closest thing on this team to being a pure WR1 right now in the absence of veteran help or a true star, so he'll have this role. WR2: Brian Hartline - Hartline worked well as a WR2 in Miami and he'll be called upon to be more of the same here. I expect Vince Mayle to be waiting in the wings. Slot WR: Andrew Hawkins - After getting a...well, absurd contract in the steal from Cincinnati in 2014, Hawkins lived up to what was needed in the absence of big-bodied WR's in 2014 and should continue that trend. Taylor Gabriel and Travis Benjamin will be waiting. TE: Rob Housler - This is honestly the biggest toss-up coming out of camp stories, because we don't know if Housler can truly make the jump this year. But I'd venture that Housler will be the top option with Barnidge getting some other opportunities and TefleDray getting blocking reps. LT: Joe Thomas - ...duh. LG: Joel Bittonio - ...yawn. C: Alex Mack - ...zzz. RG: Cameron Erving - Erving has been exponentially better as an inside lineman. I figure he will be moved between RG and RT as needed to see what sets work best with Greco and Schwartz, but I think he is ultimately an upgrade over Greco. His next best option would be to be at RT, and to move Schwartz into the RG role. RT: Mitchell Schwartz - I believe this is his contract year, so he'll have a lot to prove either here or at RG, that he’s beyond his 5th round evaluation.
Defense
LDE: Desmond Bryant - Desmond played a tough 2014 campaign, and although Cooper will probably push him for this spot (along with Armonty Bryant), I think Desmond will have it locked down to start. NT: Danny Shelton - Feast Mode is having a luau. RDE: Randy Starks - Veteran presence wins out. Xavier Cooper might see some play time, but I don't see him completely lapping Starks. Expect Phil Taylor to also be in the mix here, if not at NT. LOLB: Barkevious Mingo - Yes, a baby did eat my Mingo. Hopefully he can continue his progress into this season, because he needs to with Orchard nipping. LILB: Karlos Dansby - A veteran leader coming off injury who should continue to be a spark in the LB corps. RILB: Craig Robertson - I'd like to see Robertson make a stronger push this season into becoming a more well-rounded open-field defender, but he’ll do for now. ROLB: Paul "T-1000" Kruger - THOSE EYES CB1: Joe Haden - Haden's emergence as a leader and great talent at the CB position locks him in. CB2: Tramon Williams - Tramon is going to have to battle to keep this all year; you've got a hungry bunch behind him in Gilbert/Williams/DesiGaines. FS: Tashaun Gipson - Beyond the contract struggle, Gipson has been rock solid at the FS position lately and hopefully continues his progression. SS: Donte Whitner - Twitter Troll Supreme
Special Teams
P: Andy Lee - Put 'em on the 1 yard line, Andy. K: Not Billy Cundiff - At this point, fucking anybody. If I had to watch Billy Cundiff botch one more close distance FG I was going to lose my fucking mind. KR: Marlon Moore - Moore's role on this team is pretty much exclusively this, but Duke Johnson and Travis Benjamin will likely challenge him. I hope Benjamin can turn back the clock and get his KR status back to the shape it once was.
Position Group Strengths and Weaknesses
Position Group
Strengths
Weaknesses
QB
Manziel is still young. McCown won't do anything too stupid.
Manziel is still a rookie. McCown won't do anything too smart.
RB
Depth. Three dynamic backs bringing something different to the table with each.
Lack of experience; two sophomores and a rookie.
WTE
Lots of guys with a lot to prove.
That proof needs to come fast: no proven talent, no proven game-changers, no proven big-bodied true WR1.
O-Line
Depth has been added, the left side is fucking impeccable, could be a top 10 line this year if all are healthy.
The weakest point (Mitchell Schwartz) will be pretty weak comparatively.
D-Line
Heavy investment in developing the Lake Erie Buffet Line with Starks, Shelton, and Cooper.
A few odd-men out in the rotation, need to get Shelton to speed quick.
LB Corps
Strong veteran presence, Mingo getting better.
But if the pass rush does improve, is it time to revamp again?
Secondary
Deep as fuck, young, two strong starters and solid nickel options.
I still wouldn't want to run sets with Haden not on the field; where does Gilbert fit?
Special Teams
We don't have Billy Cundiff anymore.
Our kicker is not Phil Dawson.
Training Camp Battles to Watch
QB - Manziel vs McCown: The obvious answer here. Will Manziel make enough progress to wrestle away the starting job from McCown before we need to go with McCown being forced into high-pressure situations? COULD CONNOR SHAW EMERGE AND DESTROY SOME WORLDS AND SHOCK EVERYONE?! RB - Johnson vs West vs Crowell: Early line says Crowell will be the starter because he appears the most well rounded; West has a plow-forward play style that might be in better shape with the healthy offensive line; Johnson is a dynamic pass-catching back with elusiveness. I'm with the Duke, and all 3 should get touches, but who knows? TE - Housler vs Barnidge: This is the closest thing to competition in the receiving corps we'll have due to proven talent ahead at everything else. I think Housler locks it down but both should find playing time. RT/RG - Greco vs Schwartz vs Erving: How this eventually plays out should be interesting to watch; it's going to come down to whatever two make the most sense opening up on the line. For me, it's Erving at RG and Schwartz at RT, but it all depends. DE - Bryant vs Starks vs Cooper vs Taylor vs A. Bryant: With Armonty Bryant and Uncle Phil healthy, there could be serious competition for the ends this year; Cooper and Taylor have to fit somewhere, and Armonty played his ass off in limited time in 2014. CB2 - Tramon Williams vs The field: Can Justin Gilbert step up and take away the CB2 role from the veteran? Can a Ka'Waun Williams jump into the lead role, or even Pierre Desir? Is Charles Gaines capable enough to tap into finesse and take the spot?
Let's Talk Schemes, With JohnnyFire, Who Doesn't Know How Schemes Work For Shit
This was an optional point of the review, but hey, lemme attempt to work it out. Offensive scheme: In case it wasn't obvious, with the offensive line shoring and the addition of another talented RB, the Browns are going to be working a run-first offense. Everything will be going through the ground game, meaning the interior of the line will be called on to open up big run lanes early. It also means that we're not going to be gunslinging, least of all with McCown in there. The short passing game and smart out-routes will likely be the staples for this offense until we get another weapon in 2016, so I expect Hawkins (and Johnson as an option) to get tons of looks. Long term, it’s also key that we play into what strengths Manziel actually exhibits, and not try to fit a square peg into a round hole here; Manziel's legs and deep-ball awareness can still be tapped into if asked. It's going to be a bit of a mish-mash ground-and-pound short-game offense in 2015, unless Manziel's skill set has expanded far beyond what we think. Defensive scheme: Jim O'Neill's D shouldn't be changing up too much, only becoming expanded on with more playmakers. O'Neill suggested that although the Browns are currently running a 3-4, the talent they have could open up some 4-3 sets (likely meaning we would see a front 4 of Bryant/TayloShelton/Starks or Cooper, with a 3-rush LB of KrugeDansby/Mingo. That's very intriguing.) I wish I could go more technical into this, but quite honestly, it's not my forte; I just know that Pettine and O'Neill wanted a strong all-around D, and although we need to see what the new additions actually do, on paper, it looks like a strong squad now and moving forward.
Schedule Predictions
The Browns have a tougher schedule than they did in 2014, and with much of the same defense and an offense in transition, they went 7-9. The offense is now in limbo while the defense got better, so...ehhhhhh? I'll aim for as reasonable as I can. Week 1: @ New York Jets: New York's revamped D is solid, but their offense could still sink them. If the Browns can make their offense falter early, they'll have a chance, but winning week 1 on the road isn't exactly easy. Let's assume the D is up to the challenge for NYJ right off the bat and make this a close defensive effort on both fronts, with Cleveland losing a tough one. Cleveland loses 17-13 (0-1) Week 2: vs Tennessee Titans: Here's the coming out party for this defense and the first chance to see if this offense is good enough. Tennessee's team is just flatly lacking in overall talent right now, although they do have some playmakers here. The last thing the Browns want is to get spanked by oft-mocked-to-them Mariota. I think they can pull off a motivated home opener win. Cleveland wins 20-14 (1-1) Week 3: vs Oakland Raiders: Oakland, in my view, had a pretty solid draft, but I'm not sure they've entirely turned the corner, even with the emergence of Derek Carr. I think a strong defensive front and the strong secondary can keep him in check long enough for whoever is slinging the ball to keep it together into a solid but close win. Cleveland wins 24-21 (2-1) Week 4: @ San Diego Chargers: Unfortunately I can't see Cleveland heading out to the West Coast and dominating a still fairly tough Chargers team. Unless they rattle Rivers hard and fast right off the bat, but that's doubtful honestly. They could keep it competitive though. Cleveland loses 28-17 (2-2) Week 5: @ Baltimore Ravens: The Browns have not won in Baltimore since 2007, and only 3 times since 1999. That's...bad. And Baltimore is still good enough to keep that trend up I fear after an offensive reload. Cleveland loses 35-20 (2-3) Week 6: vs Denver Broncos: You have no idea how much I'd love to spank Peyton Manning at home, and I'd imagine this will probably be closer with the Browns getting some attention against the tougher team. But I can't doubt Denver just yet; I do think the downfall for Denver may be on the horizon, but not yet. Cleveland loses 31-21 (2-4) Week 7: @ St. Louis Rams: Another "Tough D vs so-so Offense" matchup. My hope is by now the offense will have settled in with whoever's at the helm (I'd assume Manziel by this point) and can get the big road win, even though this could be a toss up if Nick Foles and the strong D finally make this St. Louis's "next year" we've been waiting on. Ah, fuck it. Let's call it an upset. Cleveland wins 18-17. (3-4) Week 8: vs Arizona Cardinals: I have pretty high hopes for Arizona if they stay healthy, and at the mid-point of the season, that's pretty much all it will come down to. This is the start of a tough 3-game swing for Cleveland and if Carson and the D remains upright, I think they dispatch the Browns post haste. Cleveland loses 24-13 (3-5) Week 9: @ Cincinnati Bengals: ALERT! ALERT! Primetime Andy Dalton Game! Primetime Andy Dalton Game! We probably will actually get blown out as revenge for last season, but fuck it, I have to rip on someone other than my own team at some point in these predictions! Cleveland wins 24-21 (4-5) Week 10: @ Pittsburgh Steelers: Fucking Steelers with their good drafting and respectable organization and history of winning and Super Bowls. And then they have a solid 2015 draft too. But hey, their RB smokes weed and got caught and got suspended everyone point and laugh, please, my self esteem needs it, HAHAHAHA--we're not winning this game are we? Cleveland loses 30-13 (4-6) Week 11: Bye Week 12: vs Baltimore Ravens: Monday Night Football in Cleveland, OH. Reason dictates that this will be the biggest game of Cleveland's season, and coming off the bye and a tough in-division loss to Pittsburgh, I'm going to buck the trend here and say that Cleveland pulls off the upset and wins a key game in primetime in the division, shutting down the revamped offense and Sam the Eagle. Cleveland wins 27-21 (5-6) Week 13: vs Cincinnati Bengals: Damnit, I wanted two games with Primetime Andy Dalton. If we take the jokes aside, the Bengals are a strong squad that will be in playoff contention, and this late in the season, this will probably be a must-win for them. Cleveland loses 28-14 (5-7) Week 14: vs San Francisco 49ers: I honestly feel bad for San Francisco at this point. They're probably not going to completely fall off, but coming into a year wish such promise, there has just been so much turnover in that organization this year it's almost mind numbing. I'd hope Cleveland can keep their heads up and take advantage of it. Cleveland wins 31-18 (6-7) Week 15: @ Seattle Seahawks: ......fuck. Cleveland loses 35-13 (6-8) Week 16: @ Kansas City Chiefs: Because going from the loudest stadium in the NFL to the second loudest stadium in the NFL is just a thing that happens. Cleveland loses 27-24 (6-9) Week 17: vs Pittsburgh Steelers: There is nothing more important in any given season than logging a win against the fucking Pittsburgh Steelers. At least until we get over this mental and metaphysical hump that has held the Browns down for so damn long in their own wallowing. After two tough challenges on the road, I think the Browns can pull off one season-ending upset in spite of everything to end the season strong and accomplish two things: match last year's record without an elite QB, and hit .500 in the division. Cleveland wins 17-14 (7-9)
Verdict:
Reasonably, I'd say between 6-10 (drop either the STL or PIT game) and 8-8 (win against SD early?) is pretty solid. Our offense just plainly is not good enough right now. If Cleveland shows up for some big games or takes advantage of their strength on defense early, they might be able to break .500, but I don't see this squad hitting the playoffs in 2015. The lack of a franchise QB limits my optimism for toss ups.
Wrap-Up
I said last year that the most important thing for Cleveland in 2014 was not to make a playoff push or to win "x" amount of games; it was to facilitate a culture change, to get away from the "LOLBROWNS" and the "woe is me" that has permeated the organization since their return from expansion. Many people have tried to make that happen, but stupid moves, or regressions, or giving up too early, or just plainly getting the wrong players at the wrong time, it's all added up to misery. With that said...this is the closest I've seen this team to having a long-term plan in place to get over that hump. Yes, you have some issues on offense, but the offseason, the draft, the move to get more compensatory picks in 2016, the feeling that Pettine and Farmer are locked in, it's a good feeling. Are the Browns going to light the world on fire in 2015? No. But they don't need to right now. Get that defense up to working speed. Keep the run game and offensive line strong. Don't panic fire Pettine or Farmer because things don't add up to a 10-6 finish. Don't start scrambling around or getting cheeky with your QB if things go crazy. I no longer see this team as rebuilding, but rather finally fucking building; investing heavily in the trenches and crafting a strong defense. There have been growing pains of this regime, but unlike in the Holmgren era, or the Policy era, or the Savage era, it doesn't feel for naught. There is something being established, and if we as fans can have some patience for a change, I think we could see the second half of this decade be very, very fun if the course stays. ...or we'll be LOLBROWNS again. Such is the cycle of Browns fans. Special thanks to admiralkit, TheFencingCoach, skepticismissurvival, TheVetNoob, everyone over on /Browns, and Dusty Rhodes. We been through some Hard Times, bay-beh.
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